Wednesday, 14 May 2014

Introducing Father Christmas with +5 vorpal slay bells

Last week, the Ref had to cancel at the last minute, so we ended up playing the boardgame Eldritch Horror. And, of course, we tend to be a bit too engrossed in playing the boardgame to write things down. Also, we tend to talk about things that aren't particularly funny when written down, such as who should move where and do what.

Instead, have the penultimate instalment of Jurisfiction: Meanwhile in Narnia! In this bit, the agents meet Father Christmas ... and then shoot him with a tranquiliser dart, strip him bare and put Louis in the Santa suit. Oh, if only Aslan would hurry up and get here ...

Courtesy of 18 December 2013's 2nd Edition Jurisfiction adventure at Chimera.


Carmilla: “Mr van Helsing here is making me nervous. He keeps wanting to put a stake in me all the time.”
Van Helsing: “I’m concerned about your … your demeanour towards others. It is as simple as that. And if these people have had my experience in vampires like yourself, blood drinkers, they would be just as weary.”
Carmilla: “But I’m not like the other ones.”
Van Helsing: “Well, you’ll have to convince me.”
Alice: “Let’s just agree that nobody sticks anything pointy in anyone else.”
Van Helsing: “Including fangs.”
Alice: “Absolutely. And then we’ll all get along swimmingly.”

“Given that the most reliable person so far has been a 4-year-old boy from a horror novel …”

Alice: “Shall we say then that if all the decorations aren’t removed from the narrative forthwith, that these gentlemen will be coming back and having a very stern word? And I believe their very stern words often involve things called keel-hauling, which doesn’t sound like fun.”

Alice: “Do you swear on your beard?”
Dwarf: “… Now, this is an ethical dilemma. That is a very, very serious thing to do.”
Van Helsing: “But you’re not going to go back on your word, are you?”
Dwarf: “No?”
Alice: “Then you best do it.”
Dwarf: “I swear on my beard, uh … what she said.”

“I’ll go talk to the beavers. Don’t shoot me.”

“I want to make a D&D character with a +5 vorpal sleigh bell. Spelled S-L-A-Y.”
“Obviously. Because anything else would be silly!”
“Exactly!”

“I’m writing down a +5 vorpal slay bell, so then I have it.”

Father Christmas: “Have you been a good boy?”
Louis: “At this point in my own narrative, yes!”
Father Christmas: “What about you?”
Long John: “I’m always good.”
Polly: “The fuck he is!”
Long John: “As is my parrot.”
Polly: “I’m a very good boy. Parrot! Whatever.”

Father Christmas: “What about you?”
Carmilla: “I’m very, very good, of course. Always … very, very good ...”
Father Christmas: “Is she always that creepy? Ho-ho-ho!”

“Only somebody with something to hide would consider me a naughty boy. – For some reason, I then got the additional word of ‘spanking’ in my head. I don’t know why.”
“Neither do we and we don’t want to know.”

“Oh so THAT’s all right! He’s early 20s goat man, that makes it okay for them to have sex!”

“Father Christmas, have you ever taken little girls into hotel rooms?”

Father Christmas: “You can’t get a present if you don’t have a name. Ho-ho-ho.”
Louis: “Interesting. So you’re a biased present-giver.”

“What my associate is trying to say is: HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING STATUES FROM THE GARRRDEN?”

“Is this like good cop, crazy cop?”

Louis: “Keep in mind we have the power to replace you with a Generic.”
Father Christmas: “You can’t get much more generic than this, can you? Oh-ho-ho!”
Long John: “Not really. Ho. Ho. Ho.”

“This is a terrible story! I like it.”

“All I need is a fake beard and large shoes, now tell me, why are the Narnians going missing?”

Alice: “You did it! He paused and he looked really guilty! I’ve been standing up for you all this time! I’m … I’m … I’m vexed!”

“How can you be a senior agent and not be suspicious?! CRIMINALS LIE! THEY DO!”
“But Father Christmas shouldn’t!”

Long John: “You had best be puttin’ the suit on.”
Louis: “I’m not fat.”
Long John: “Bulk yourself out. YOU shot him!”

“Hang on, he did a very good ho-ho-ho, and he’s a gentleman of an appropriate age.”
“Santa has TWO legs!”

Alice: “You haven’t butchered anyone, have you Mr Silver?!”
Long John: “Butchered? Yes.”
Van Helsing: “And shooting.”
Long John: “Yes.”
Alice: “Oh dear, I’ll be very disillusioned.”
Louis: “And the planking.”
Long John: “I only murder people who deserve to be murdered!”
Alice: “I really miss my tea party. I didn’t even get toast at the beavers.”

“I’ll help you strip off Father Christmas.”

“All he seemed to say is ho-ho-ho but I think there’s more to it.”

“Move the fat criminal out of the way.”
“Van Helsing, give me a hand!”

Long John: “Van Helsing and myself are currently dragging the naked Father Christmas into the woods.”
Louis: “Do not stick him in my suit or I’ll kill you.”
Long John: “I’m not getting him re-clothed!”

GM: “The Pevensies arrive: hello Sa…” (sees fake Santa)
Louis: “But I’m disguised! With a beard and everything!”

“Technically, your Santa seems a bit too three-dimensional.”

“Lucy gets a … bondage kit?”
“A chastity belt!”

“Ho-ho-ho … Green Giant! Sponsored by sweetcorn.”

“The Power of Narrative compels this to happen!”
“If not, they’re reading a bad adaptation of the film.”

Next week, we should be back to Hunter again, and possibly concluding the adventure. We'll see. The final bit of Meanwhile in Narnia will be posted next time we need a filler, and I need to start thinking about what other things to transcribe as fillers - don't worry, it's not as if I don't have options. ;)

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