What does a critical hit do these days?

We continued our foray into the woods. Or, rather, into the cave we found last time. There were goblins inside that cave, and a big brutal bugbear.

We're happy to report that the cave is no longer infested with such vermin - because in D&D, ethnic cleansing is not only not frowned upon, it's positively encouraged!

After the first session, which we will henceforth refer to as the pilot episode, series one started out with some changes to the cast, so here's the smashing new line-up:

  • Hematite Frostbeard, dwarf cleric
  • Karak-Dag, human fighter
  • Malinda Hornraven, dragonblooded human sorceror
  • Rhogar Shieldbiter, dragonborn barbarian
  • Tan Elin, half-elf monk

Courtesy of Wednesday 20 August 2014's 5th Edition Dugeons & Dragons roleplaying session at Chimera.

Dungeons & Dragons

“That’s not really liquorice, though. To me, liquorice is black and tastes of death.”
“What, like Shaft?”

“I’ve only brought a limited selection of salty liquorice today.”
“That’s okay. It’s a limited audience.”
“Only because you haven’t got taste.”

Rhogar: “Don’t worry, I find traps with my face.”

“Was that a bad thing to say when he’s the GM? I didn’t think this through before I said it.”

“They’re not right, but they’re alright.”

“No matter what game you’re in, it’s always your fault.”

“I’m not racist, I just don’t care.”
“That makes you racist.”

GM: “But don’t worry, there are rules about what’s happening.”

GM: “Could you hear that? Do you speak Goblin?”
Player: “No, I speak GM.”

“I’m sure I won’t rub it in for much longer … than about four months.”

“Did that half-elf just ninja-kick my friend in the head?”

“The official noise of goblin balls.”

“So what does a critical hit do these days?”

GM: “He goes, ‘Me Klarg! Puny, squishy humans!’ and misses.”

“He speaks brain damage, that’s what he speaks.”

“Your father was an elf! A gay elf! In lumberjack suspenders! And a bra! And he smells of elderberries!”

“I’m Lawful Good. You can tell by how I just murdered seven people.”

“In AD&D, goblins were orange.”
“Get him!”

“I don’t have Picklock, but I have a handaxe.”

“Some things in D&D never change.”

Tan: “What’s ‘racist’?”
Karak-Dag: “I don’t know. Some kind of meat?”

Player (nodding): “I believe ‘baaarrrghhh’ is the right term.”

“It’s not XCOM, you CAN move after an attack.”

“For someone who hates America and Americanisms so much, CALL IT MATHS!”

Yeemik the Goblin: “You have given me head. You can go.”

“I’m sorry, these goblins need to die.”

I was going to write more, but there's a cat blocking the lower half of my screen so I have no idea how this text is turning out. See you next week for more dungeoneering adventures!