All I ever wanted to do was to get to Seattle

Courtesy of the last night's 1st Edition Deadlands adventure at Chimera. This week on the Hellstromme Express, the geriatric Gunslinger has been hired as a bodyguard to one of the NPC mad scientists (our own couldn't make this session, unfortunately), and we had a guest star using our generic gunslinger character sheet, who was also hired for the same job.

Random comments from players and GM, along with a party also consisting of an Alchemist Snake-oil salesman, a prawn-pukin' Huckster, and a high-falutin' Reporter (who made her fame primarily as a popular dime novelist) who has ABSOLUTELY NO CONNECTIONS TO THE AGENCY WHATSOEVER. And an assortment of radioactive zombies, demon-huntin' Belgian detectives, Cider Man and a crash course in Norse Curling, because it's the only sport that's possibly more boring to watch than snooker.

(How to note down a Cajun upbringing on the character sheet) ”You should call it ‘Southern Comfort’.”

“So I’ve inspired two games just sitting here the last hour?”
“Dude, ‘Tastes Like Genocide’ is too good a title to pass up.”

“I’ll cut you a deal, 20-20 AND YOUR SOUL!”

“We’ll assume he’s played by a different actor every time, even if he’s wearing the same costume.”
“He just slaps a moustache on.”
“And keeps disappearing and reappearing in a blue police box.”

“ ‘Mr. Snuggles’?! What kind of a gunslinger are you?!”

(The resident punner of the party, after finding out the full name of one of the other characters) “You’re not allowed to groan at my puns ever again.”

“I’m not gonna Scrutinize that because I’m an old man and I can’t see.”
“And you also don’t care.”
“That too.”

“I was hit by a bee and now my neck hurts.” (ponderous pause) “I don’t THINK they’re related.”

(to Cider Man) “With great alcohol comes great liability.”

GM: “I’ve got the rest of the speech, when the party’s ready …”

Alchemist: “Science: Alchemy on the whiskey!”
Player: “Isn’t that a bit severe?”
Alchemist: “Chemistry then.” (rolls) “17.”
GM: “You’re CERTAIN it’s a component of a Molotov cocktail.”

GM: “Yes, she DEFINITELY has an Agency badge.”
Reporter: “I try to look nicely inconspicuous.”

“I think it’s because of Cider Man, but all I can think of is a sentient Bailey’s bottle.”

“There ain’t no sides here! There’s just me not gettin’ him killed!”

Huckster (to the Agent): “If you’d just sit down and we can talk. I’m sure we have more in common than you think.”
Reporter (quickly): “We have NOTHING in common! The money was just resting in my account!”

Gunslinger: “Did you make her a lady’s toy that stopped working?”
GM: “Blood drains from his face when you say this.”
Gunslinger: “YOU DID?! - I’m shocked by this revelation, that he’s been making evil dildos.”

Alchemist: “What kind of vampires?”
Reporter: “Ones that didn’t sparkle.”
Alchemist: “What kind of a two-time lousy dime-novelist came up with the concept of sparklin’ vampires?”
Reporter: “A loser in Utah. Let’s not speak of her.”

“You have an alchemist friend.”
“ ‘Friend’ is a strong word.”

“You can’t just kill people! You need suspects. THEN you kill people.”

(After being warned that accepting money to go shopping for an NPC means the character would be in his employ)
“Sir, the past few weeks I’ve been workin’ for Hellstromme.”
“Point taken.”

“That horrid woman had it! We need to kill her!”
“That’s not jumpin’ to conclusions.”

“Well, if that happens, I’ll shoot her. All our plans end that way.”

(Looking at an illustration in the adventure booklet) “Does that man have a CROTCH CANNON?!”

(Eating green Skittles) “It tastes like the death of a race. It’s magical.”

“I’ve made a Skittles man.”
“And now you’re going to eat him.”
“I’ll start with his feet. Now he can’t run.”

“Kiss my elderly cowboy frame, I got 12?! No, 11.”

“There are no such things as voodoo death squirrels!”
“That’s what they WANT you to think!”

“I’m definitely saving these chips so I can throw them at you.”

“Write this down, this is gold dust!” (Yeah yeah, workin’ on it. :P)

“I’ll check to see if there is a label saying ‘Dr. Frankenstein’s stuff’ or something.”
“If you find a crate saying ‘Dr. Frankenstein’, don’t open it!”

“It’s jumped from nine to midnight? I’ve only gone through two cars!”
“You stopped for a soda.”

GM: “You’re certain you won’t fall asleep … you think … in your DREAM.”

GM: “Your dog is pulling at your leg.”
Player: “Can’t we train him not to do that?”

GM: “Can you make me a Guts roll?”
Player: “Or you’ll have to change your trousers.”

“I think I know how this ends. They ALL did it.”
“Well, it’s better than my ‘the train is a demon’ theory.”

“Hercule Poirot, demon hunter!”

Gunslinger (to Bailey): “I quit. I ain’t shootin’ injuns. It’s like a thing o’ mine.”
Resident punner: “Are you saying you’re BAILING on the contract.”
Gunslinger: “No, I’m sayin’ I’ll shoot you in the face.”

Guest gunslinger (about the NPC he’s a bodyguard to): “I’ll sleep there so he can wake me up if something happens.”

“Don’t wake Harrison, I’ll give you a diagnosis: She’s fucked.”

“All I ever wanted to do was to get to Seattle.”

“Get this down! ‘Curling has good moments’!”
“Curling CAN have good moments!”

“Any sport involving a mop is a no-go.”

“Norse Curling, the roleplaying game.”

(Demonstrating curling RPG by rolling dice) “It rolls two more metres!” (Rolls dice) “Two more metres! And this is still more interesting than watching it!”

(Sports commentator voice) “The Chinese are winning, and Thor wields his hammer … It’s a mess down there.”

“Odin didn’t trade his eye for wisdom; he traded it for curling skills!”

“Thor didn’t strap a wig to the hammer - it was a goat … or a hairy Cajun.”

“Roll me a D20.”
“You die of boredom!”

(When faced with the remainder of a prawn sandwich that just made another character vomit.) “Stare ominously at the crust. Do not eat the crust. Maybe shoot the crust, just to make sure.”

“The Manitou possessed the prawn and made a desperate bid for escape.”

Huckster (gravelly, to Gunslinger): “Now I’ve got a voice like yours!”

Guest gunslinger (looking at three potions): “Okay, I’ll mix them together.”
Alchemist: “Wait, WHAT?!!”

GM: “You take wind damage and you now have a major phobia against every liquid except water.” (Players react to this) “That’s the FIRST thing that happens.”

“He’s producing radioactive corpse goo!”

“He’s a radioactive zombie.”

“Number three Generic Gunslinger is now dead.”

“I wish I never drank that potion.”
“We all do!”

“I told (father). He was really proud his son turned into a radioactive zombie.”

“So! What have we learned about alchemy today? To not mix three potions at once!”

“We were going to be attacked by injuns, then there was the radioactive prawn sandwich and radioactive vomit.”

“I’ve exploded Gunney’s arm, when will this nightmare end?”

“I’ll come back over when I hear lots of shouting.”

“We’re the sort of people who torture people to death.”
“We’re the heroes.”

GM: “You feel confident now that it’s not attached to a radioactive barf zombie.” (pause) “That’s b-a-r-f, not b-a-t-h, by the way.”

“I can’t wait to explain this session to (absent player).”

(Looking at where we were in the adventure compared where the GM thought we were going to be) “…I don’t think I’ll bring Changeling next week either.”

“I went out punching a Cthulhian monster in the face. I’m happy with that.”

GM: “I’m waiting for you to switch from out-of-character to in-character conversations.”
Player: “Could be a while.”

“It might’ve happened while you were in the bathroom. That’s why you can’t remember.”

“I’m a Greedy Miser, not a crazy bastard!”

“A corpse gloop farm is wrong. It just is.”

“At the end of the day, it would just be a radioactive barf farm.”

(Regarding Lacroix)
“Sell him zombies!”
“Well, he has only had regular zombies before.”

And bonus, from the car on the way home:

Passenger (concerned): “Something’s making a NOISE …”
Driver (puts radio on, calmly): “There … that’s better.”

“How could this session possibly have gone crazier than it did?”
“Is that even possible?”
”If (character) showed up.”
“Oh GOD!”

Stay tuned for more madness next week! We'll be switching to Changeling: The Dreaming next eventually!