Friday, 19 July 2013

Reneesme is obviously a runaway, sparkly vampire pig

IN WHICH WE RIP THE S#!T OUT OF TWILIGHT. Err ... Again!

Okay, so last week, there was no session, so here's another one of them filler posts from an old session. Next week, the quotes will be back to Delta Green, as that's what we played in this week's session. (If you hadn't noticed, the quotes are posted the week after the session where they originated.)

Meanwhile, he's what happened when the Jurisfiction agents decided to venture further into the Twilight series ... where they first encountered Pregnant Bella, followed by Vampire Bella - who may or may not be the mother of a pig.

To recap: A group of fictional characters, agents of Jurisfiction, are policing the BookWorld, namely:
  • Alice from Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
  • Arthur Hastings from random Agatha Christie Poirot novel
  • Frankenstein's Monster from Frankenstein by Mary Shelley, nicknamed "George"
  • Gabriel Betteredge from Wilkie Collins's The Moonstone
  • Hari Seldon from Isaac Asimov's Foundation series (although he was mostly asleep)
  • "Outlander", i.e. one of the players playing himself, from the Outland

The strangest thing is, today's post is only from about 20 or so minutes worth of playing ... make of that what you will. I thought there was only maybe one more post out of what was left of the recording, but apparently we're looking at two posts at the very least.

Courtesy of 4 December 2011's 1st Edition Jurisfiction adventure at Chimera.


Betteredge: “What we really need to do is to bring napalm.”
Hastings: “How did you manage to become a member of Jurisfiction?”

George: “We’re looking for Stephanie … Manumenah.”
Group (singing): “Duh-duuu-duh-duu-duuh!”

Hastings: “When’s this?”
George: “It’s after you get forgotten about. Sorry, Hastings, but you’re not in the later books. If it helps, no one ever sees you die.”

“I feel like I’ve already lost definition. It’s almost like I’m a two-dimensional character.”

“It’s funny, we’re four books in and some of these people walking around are still as generic as the first book.”

“It’s no different from the first book, it’s just grimmer and angstier.”

“Can we leave this book, please?”

“Brilliant, it’s pregnant Bella.”

Bella: “Look, I’m pregnant with Edward’s BABY!”
Outlander: “I’ll kick you in your womb.”

Bella: “He shagged me good ‘n’ proper. I was, like, black and blue. It was AWESOME!”

George: “Apart from him, we’re all from the 20s and we’re disgusted by your language, young lady. Slap.”
Bella: “Oww!”
George: “Grow a moral backbone!”
Bella: “My Edward is SO gonna have you for that!”
Hastings: “What, the same way he had you?”
Outlander: “What’s he gonna do, SPARKLE me unconscious?!”

George: “I’m gonna twist his head off like a Zippo lighter top.”
Hastings: “You’re not allowed to.”
George: “Why not?”
Hastings: “Because he’s not guilty – SHE is. Well, not THIS Bella but the later Bella. Or possibly the past Bella.”
George: “I’m confused. Who are we killing?”

“She has too much definition in her belly, so it can’t be her.”
“That’s not definition, that’s obligatory character work.”

GM: “You skip to later in the book and Bella is now a fully-fledged, sparkly vampire. And she looks … kind of prettier than she used to do, except you can’t really tell, because she looked so generic to begin with, but her eyes STILL aren’t blue, amazingly enough.”

“How can you get four fucking books into a series and not have described one of the main characters buggering eye colour?”
“So that every girl can imagine she’s Bella, being stalked and raped by a 300-year-old man.”

“I feel the need to beat myself to death.”
“They don’t need to imagine that, they just need my phone number.”

Alice: “You seem to have lost your pig. You were going to have a baby, and when babies are bad, they often turn into pigs. And if he was Edward’s, I would have to imagine he would be a pig.”
Vampire Bella: “How dare you?!”
Betteredge: “Yes, I … quite agree. I’m sure you’re right.”
Alice: “Has he run off into the forest? Pigs do that.”
Vampire Bella: “It’s a SHE. She’s called Reneesme, after, like––”
George: “She’s called WHAT now?”
Vampire Bella: “After my mom, ‘cause my mom’s name is Renee, and then it’s Esme after Edward’s, like, mom.”
Alice: “Well, that’s a lovely name for a sow; I’m sure she’s very grateful for it.”

Vampire Bella (affronted): “What are you, a cow?!”
Alice (matter-of-factly): “Clearly not, I have no udders.”

Outlander: “Why are we even being cautious? Fuck the rules! Let’s just kill all of them!”

George: “Mother of Reneesme, we are arresting you for some kind of crime I don’t understand, but I’m sure will be explained to you by the good captain.”

George: “I’m doing what you did in the earlier book, Hastings. It’s called ‘continuing a theme’.”
Hastings: “No, I didn’t do it in that order, and I didn’t grab her by the throat.”

Outlander: “I walk up and kick her in the womb.”
GM: “Your foot hurts.”

Alice: “She’s neglecting her pig, she’s a terrible mother.”
Vampire Bella: “How dare you?!”
George: “So! We have you on Generic murder, neglection of pig, and being arsy.”

Vampire Bella: “I’m a very good mom, she just grows very quickly, and Jacob’s taken a shine to her. It’s kind of gross.”

Hastings: “Does your child look a lot like you?”
Vampire Bella: “Probably. A bit like me and a bit like my darling Edwaaard.”

“I think we should arrest this Edward as well.”
“I think we should arrest the entire series.”

Hastings: “Where IS your child?”
Vampire Bella: “Umm … At home with Edward?”
Alice: “They run off if you don’t keep them in the house, into the woods.”

George: “Excuse me, I’m confused. Are we talking about the pig or a child?”
Alice: “Children turn into pigs when they are very bad, and if it’s Edward’s child, why, it’s sure to be bad.”
George: “I was a very bad child and I never turned into a pig.”
Alice: “You turned into something a little like a pig …”

“She’s so darnedly offensive, isn’t she?”

“There are too many suspects. I suggest we line them all up against a wall and shoot them.”
“Like I said: can we not just arrest the entire series, and then I’ll go into the RealWorld and I’ll shoot the author?”

Seldon: “If a person from the RealWorld can be here with us in the fictional world, doesn’t that necessarily mean that we could actually be facing a generic of the child of the character, because the character could come from the future to wreak havoc on the past?”
George: “This is why we don’t allow sci-fi people.”

Hastings: “It’s not her, but it’s definitely her or her.”

GM: “She bolts.”
Hastings: “She runs! Can you catch her?”
George: “I could throw something at her?”
Hastings: “Do that, then.”
Outlander: “Throw me!”

“‘Tween vampire fiction’ is actually a genre now?”
“It actually is.”
“There are some randy tweens out there nowadays.”

Teen Wolf is actually good, in a not terribly good kind of way.”

“You’re hallucinating, and yet, you’ve had sleep.”

And of course, Vampire Bella, a.k.a. the guilty party, split and ran into a stereotypical English village somewhere in the Crime genre. What happens when the team meet the mastermind behind it all will be revealed next time we need a filler post. ;)

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