Agents Hastings (Agatha Christie) and Van Helsing (Bram Stoker) had to leave their Enid Blyton pet project behind in order to go over to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince to investigate a Potions book that had been stolen and replaced with a cheap knock-off. As they dawdled, Severus Snape himself arrived at Jurisfiction HQ to convince them to get a move on.
From there, they ended up force-feeding a Puking Pastille to Fred or George Weasley, charging Snape with assault, admiring off-duty Dumbledore in what can only be described as Rocky Horror Picture Show gear, listening to a PageRunning Draco Malfoy's teenage woes, finding beautiful Fanon Snape snogging his favourite student Hermione over in Fanfiction, and learning that Harry Potter enjoys going on Character Exchange trips to Fanfiction, where he doesn't have to put up with any of that false modesty nonsense, and can be worshipped like the freakin' BookWorld rockstar that he is.
Oh yeah, and Marvin the Paranoid Android occasionally works in the admin department at Jurisfiction HQ. (He doesn't enjoy it, brain the size of a planet, and so on.)
Whatever they did, that copy of the Half-Blood Prince's old Potions textbook, which is just a teeny tiny bit pivotal to the plot, was still nowhere to be seen ...
Courtesy of Wednesday 24 July 2013's 2nd Edition Jurisfiction adventure at Chimera.
“Aww. I want a can of Diet Coke that says ’Enemies’.”
“Killing people for their beliefs is AWESOME.”
“See the world through roleplayer eyes: if he has a goatee, he’s EVIL.”
“Have there been pictures? Was the royal baby born with a goatee?”
“No.”
Player 1: “Do you know why I like black bean sauce?”
Player 2: “Why’s that?”
Player 1: “It tastes like DARKNESS.”
Player 2 (after having tried some): “It tastes like HOT darkness.”
“We’ve known each other for ten years.”
“We haven’t, it just feels like it.”
“Knowing you for ten years is a work in progress.”
“It’s always Nyarlathotep.”
“That’s why you don’t need to make fear checks: ‘oh great, you again’.”
“I can’t run Call of Cthulhu for my son when he gets older, because he’ll expect to be able to gun down Old Ones with a Tommy gun.”
“Boy, will HE be surprised.”
“He mostly wrote short stories and only a few novels … which are very confusing, because he was high as a kite when he wrote them.”
“You’d feel weird if the project started on time and had a reasonable deadline. You’d expect Nyarlathotep to pop out at any minute because reality has warped.”
“You’ve got a few grey hairs.”
“YES! I’m surprised I don’t have a Kalashnikov and am running around town yet.”
“She annexed the dice and hoped I wouldn’t notice.”
“Like the Sudetenland.”
“We’ll be in Shadow the Sheepdog.”
“What, you mean one of Enid Blyton’s discreet knocking shops?”
Hastings: “What’s the name of the sheepdog?”
NPC: “Shadow. It could be Shadow the Sheepshagger. Ahh-ah-ah. I think this joking thing is working out for me!”
Player: “Wait, is this set in Derbyshire? Topical AND local!”
Fred or George: “We’re brothers and we love each other, but we don’t love each other like THAT.”
Hastings: “You probably wouldn’t get on that well in the Sheepdog book.”
Hastings (clutching Puking Pastilles): “Marvin, do you have a mouth?”
GM: “He switches off.”
“I don’t want to get read, even in Fanfiction.”
Van Helsing: “Ah, Hermione. I have read you quite a bit.”
Hermione: “That sounds disgusting!”
“And that’s why I should and shouldn’t be an author.”
Hastings (distracted): “Is that even legal?”
GM: “Fair question. It’s a Centaur … and Hagrid …”
“At least BDSM is more classy.”
Van Helsing: “Let’s see if you’re still a favourite in 100 years, sunshine.”
“Dumbledore is rather filled out, as I could see ALL too clearly earlier. Suspenders, bra, a garterbelt and a thong is not a good look for a man.”
Draco: “Do I get some kind of reward for doing your job for you?”
Hastings: “You get not to be arrested for PageRunning?”
Draco: “… That’s fair enough.”
Van Helsing: “Lavender Brown! We are arresting you”
Lavender: “Fuck off!”
“Wow, it’s warm. We could have LARPed Nebraska again.”
If I ever dare (for legal reasons, you see) transcribe this at some point, I totally will. Speaking of Nebraska - hopefully we're back there again next week.
