Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Why would we sell our friends to Aslan?

We continue the Jurisfiction adventure. We're in Narnia, investigating contraband Christmas ornaments that might be disrupting the narrative. At least if we let it, which we won't, because we're Jurisfiction agents.

Here, the agents meet Mr Tumnus, with his ehhhh interesting wardrobe, and then head off to a hidden pub called the Golden Lion, where Mr Tumnus's brother Brian is having a tea - because you can't get alcoholic beverages in this children's novel. Not even rum.

And Aslan, peh, he's not good for pub business. What with turning water into wine and everything. Bloody cheapskate.

Courtesy of 18 December 2013's 2nd Edition Jurisfiction adventure at Chimera.


“There were pine cones, but they hadn’t been sprayed silver or anything.”

GM: “Close.”
Player: “Wait. I guess bondage and I’m CLOSE?!”

(Upon discovering Mr Tumnus has turned a bedroom wall into a Lucy shrine)
“That’s Lucy Pevensie!”
“That’s creepy.”
“That’s not in the narrative.”

Long John: “That’s mighty obsessive of you there, sir.”
Mr Tumnus (shifty): “Why? She’s a … very nice young woman.”
Alice: “He is going to be turned into stone for her in a couple of chapters.”
Mr Tumnus: “Gee THANKS for reminding me!”

Alice: “Your needlework isn’t quite as good as it COULD be. I can teach you if you like?”

Mr Tumnus: “I didn’t do it!”
Alice: “Well, you see, that’s what I told these gentlemen too.”

Louis: “We would hate to have to remove you from the narrative so close to your scenes coming up.”
Long John: “I mean, would you never want to see Lucy again?”
Mr Tumnus: “No. No no no no no.”

GM: “Apparently, King Stephen has a citadel somewhere over in Horror. Where he rules the land.”

Van Helsing: “How could he have carried one of these huge stone statues?”
Mr Tumnus: “Exactly! That! What he said!!”
Van Helsing: “WHO ARE YOUR ACCOMPLICES?!”
Alice: “You can’t shoot Mr Tumnus!”

“Beat him with this instead, it will keep him alive!”

“I’m rolling as well, I’m good at Cognition. Ish.”

Carmilla (appreciative): “Who is that pretty girl you have on the wall?”

“No one touches my weapon but me. And a lady. But not THOSE ladies, that’s WRONG!”

GM: “I think at this point, he’s kind of covering his nipples. If he has any. Probably.”
Long John: “Are you turned on or are you cold?”
Mr Tumnus: “IT’S FUCKING WINTER, what do YOU think?! And the door’s open because you nutters haven’t closed it yet!”
Van Helsing: “But you’re furry!”
Mr Tumnus: “On the BOTTOM BIT!”

Alice: “I’m sorry, are we back to shooting Mr Tumnus, because I don’t think that’s acceptable.”
GM: “It’s starting to sound a BIT more acceptable …”

Long John: “It’s just a question of how bad his sentence will be. I’ve got no problem keel-hauling the lad.”

Alice: “We’ve got witness accounts of you being in the Kingdom of Stephen in The Shining.”
Mr Tumnus: “Kingdom of Stephen?”
Alice: “The citadel of King Stephen, in The Shining. Where people get decapitated.”
Mr Tumnus: “You mean Cair Paravel, the castle?”

“I think I might know what’s happened here.”
“Good, because I don’t.”

Alice: “… Which is why you’ve built this … slightly strange shrine to Christmas and Lucy.”
Carmilla: “Who is very pretty. By the way.”
Mr Tumnus: “She is, isn’t she?”

Player 1: “I’m surprised he hasn’t gone for Carmilla yet. She’s also a young girl.”
GM: “She’s about ten years too old.”
Player 2: “It’s a paedophile fight for the seven-year-old.”

Alice: “I think you miss Christmas, so you built this little shrine in your wardrobe, which is understandable because it’s never going to get into the narrative, and Christmas is jolly good fun.”

Alice: “Perhaps if you just told us who was helping you do this, and help put everything else right, then we could not mention your festive little wardrobe. I mean, everyone deserves a festive wardrobe if that’s all the Christmas they can get.”

Louis: “So where did you get these Christmas decorations from?”
Mr Tumnus: “I’ve been given them.”
Van Helsing: “By WHOOOM?”
Mr Tumnus: “Everyone.”
Van Helsing: “Everyone? Could you name names?”
Mr Tumnus: “… No.”

GM: “Are you threatening him in some way?”
Van Helsing: “Yes. I’m GLOWERING.”

Long John: “I’m going to contact headquarters and get them to bring down a Generic. This guy, he’s for the chop.”
Alice: “For a very stern interrogation and no dessert!”
Long John: “Yes. Whatever that meant.”
Alice: “There’ll be no chopping.”

Long John: “We don’t chop off people’s heads. They get erased!”
Carmilla: “There’s a lot of talking about chopping people’s heads off today.”
GM: “You’re getting a bit peckish.”
Carmilla: “I move closer to Alice.”

“Why would we sell our friends?”
“I agree. That didn’t make much sense to me either.”

Mr Tumnus: “You know Narnia is populated with lots of magical creatures?”
Louis: “No, I don’t.”
Mr Tumnus: “You do now.”

Long John: “I can’t really tell if he’s lying or not. It’s really hard to focus when he keeps on waving his furry crotch around.”
Alice: “He doesn’t have any crutches?”
Long John: “Yes. I said crutch. Like my crutch. Yes. – You know what I meant, didn’t you? Some people don’t have the decency to wear underwear.”

Alice: “If Brian’s betrayed his brother, then by the ancient laws, his blood belongs to the White Witch. She can KILL him!”
Long John: “Technically, that takes care of our problem.”
Louis: “You have a good point.”
Alice: “But he’d be dead!”
Long John: “Yeah, but if the White Witch takes care of him, we don’t have to.”
Alice: “But he’d be dead!”
Long John: “But I wouldn’t have to fill out a form.”

GM: “At this point, Mr Tumnus shuts himself in the wardrobe.”

Alice: “I don’t think people should die, and especially not in children’s narratives.”
Long John: “You’ve never read my book, have you?”
Louis: “Or mine. Or his. Or hers.”

Alice: “It sounds like a fun place. You said it had lots of India rubber balls.”
Long John: “Technically, they’re not rubber … but some are from India … and some are quite large.”
Alice: “But do they bounce?”
Long John: “On the other person’s ship!”

Long John: “You only do tea?”
Barkeep: “Look, this is a children’s novel, what did you expect?”
Long John: “Ale and rum?”

Alice: “If Aslan were here, Aslan turns the water into wine, apparently, but I don’t know why anyone would rather have that than tea. That’s why the gentlemen asked if Aslan was here.”
Long John: “Yes, because then we could have got wine.”
Alice: “Yes, apparently.”

Louis: “I take it you don’t like Aslan, then?”
Barkeep (groans): “He gets a little bit preachy, if you know what I mean?”
Alice: “You’re not on HER side are you?”
Barkeep: “What, the witch? No, sod her. They’re as bad as each other, but at least she doesn’t have the whole ‘oh look at me, I’m so famous’.”
Alice: “I’m beginning to see why we don’t visit this place in the narrative.”

“I believe this is almost a job for Fahrenheit 451.”
“Who’s that, then?”
“It’s an EXTREEEMIST book.”

Brian Tumnus: “I don’t think you’ll find one who HASN’T been involved. Except for Aslan, but he’s a prick.”

“Oh my god! Santa Claus is the villain!”
“Santa Claus is ALWAYS the villain.”

“I think we should talk to the beavers. The beavers are very reliable and honest, trustworthy folk.”
“Apparently no one in this narrative is.”

“First kittens, now beavers …”

Alice: “I do believe you’re taking pleasure in this narrative’s corruption, Mr Silver. It’s a trifle unseemly.”
Long John: “I’m not taking pleasure in this narrative’s corruption! … Maybe I’m taking a LITTLE bit of pleasure in this narrative’s corruption. I’m not quite sure why. Maybe that tells you a little bit about my character.”

“So let’s just get this right. You’re going to bribe a faun, with the Queen of Heart’s own tinsel specifically for the reason to buy a bear, to protect the kind of people who might be able to move statues in order to find the one who’s responsible.”
“It’s a sophisticated sting operation, don’t over-think it.”

“I think this sting operation is going very well!”

Alice: “I think the problem’s so horrifyingly widespread that we might need Aslan’s help. Because I’d really like to meet him!”
Louis: “Alice! Focus, dear.”
Alice: “Oh, but he’s lovely, and he’s got such a soft, warm mane.”
Louis: “No wonder why the fauns want to ignore him.”
Alice: “We both like cats, don’t we? Carmilla and I would very much like to involve Aslan in this plan.”

We have now decided on the next game we're going to play, and it's another round of Rifts, which will be started today. Because of some upcoming internet shortage on my part, next week's post will be a continuation of this Jurisfiction, with Rifts the week after that. They talk to beavers. Good day!

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