Wednesday, 17 September 2014

We’ll cut the narrative off at the pass and leg it

We were half the team down last Wednesday, so those who were left played the Shadowrun card game in what we later discovered was the hardest mode possible, because we drew opponents from the wrong deck. Oops. Anyway, this is why this week's post instead is going to be a trip to Douglas Adams's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and what happens when a group of Jurisfiction agents are told to go on a team-building exercise inside its pages.

The agents were told to strictly stay out of the narrative ... and while roleplayers would normally decide to completely ignore this, they didn't, so I never got to inflict my specially prepared Vogon poetry on them. I are still disappoints, two years later.

Here's the crew:
  • Arthur Hastings, senior agent and a former military man and now occasional assistant to Agatha Christie's Belgian super-sleuth Hercule Poirot.
  • Captain Haddock, an old seadog fond of grog from Hergé's Adventures of Tintin graphic novels.
  • Kaa, a snake from Rudyard Kipling's The Jungle Book.
  • Macbeth, a mighty king of Shakespearean fame.
The first (of two) parts are when the agents have got aboard the Vogon ship and lasts until the Heart of Gold is about to be hit by a couple of Magrathean missiles ...

Courtesy of 16 June 2012's 2nd Edition Jurisfiction adventure at Chimera.


“I’d like to point out I do know where my towel is.”
“I don’t have a towel, I have a rag.”

Kaa: “Gender … does it really matter?”
GM: “Probably not.”

“How do you sex a snake?”
“Carefully.”

“Character trait: Snake. Character flaw: Snake.”

GM: “One of the most important things for a Jurisfiction agent is the ability to work together for a common cause.”
Player: “We’re screwed!”

GM: “All you need to do is to get to Magrathea and live to tell the tale. It can’t be that difficult, can it?”

“I have a really difficult time, I keep picturing Macbeth being played by Sean Bean at the moment. ‘Cause he seems to die in a lot of things.”
“I’m feeling reassured already.”

“I need to panic because I’m gonna die because I’m being played by Sean Bean!”

Hastings (reading letter): “Dear Agents.”
Macbeth: “I’m a king! I’m not an agent! You will refer to me as King Macbeth.”

Hastings: “I may have been sent to the wrong group. I was expecting to be with someone … else.”
Haddock: “Is there something wrong with us?”
Hastings: “… No. Maybe I took the wrong door again. Never mind. Hello everyone!”

Macbeth: “I don’t read books, I have them read TO me. I’m a king.”

“Since when can snakes speak?”

Haddock: “Don’t worry, I know how to use airlock. I’ve flown to the moon, I have.”

Player: “Vogons are never happy.”
GM: “It would be very out of character.”

“One does not simply walk into these airlocks.”
“Actually, you do, generally.”

Vogon Generic: “What are you doing here? You’re not meant to be here.”
Haddock: “We’re bracing the main sail.”

“We should take you to the captain.”
“DIE, PIG-NOSE!”

Vogon Generic: “We’ve not been informed about any of this. Have you filled in a form?”
Hastings: “Shhhh.”
Vogon Generic: “Have you filled in a form?”
Hastings: “Shhh.”
Vogon Generic: “Have you filled in a form?”
Haddock: “Yes!”
Vogon Generic: “Form 27B section 5?”
Haddock: “Yes!”
Vogon Generic: “Paragraph 2?” (general agreement) “Do you have a copy?”

Vogon Generic: “Okay Brian, you go and check if we have the form.”

Hastings: “We’ll carry on with what we’re doing and you can check that we’ve filled in the form.”
Vogon Generic: “RESISTANCE IS … oh, okay.”

“Could I have a receipt?”
“A what, sorry?”
“Proof that you’ve talked to us.”

Macbeth: “Maybe I should go in and teach them what poetry REALLY is.”

Hastings: “Or put you in a book you’d never want to be in.”
Kaa: “Such as?”
Hastings: “Hunting in Australia. I’ve been to Australia, they eat snake.”

Haddock: “But it’s SPACE! I’ve been out there, it’s not nice. We need a space suit!”

“We’ll cut the narrative off at the pass and leg it.”

Hastings: “We haven’t got time. We’ll just have to trust it will be okay.”
Haddock: “We can’t go in a bloody airlock, it’s empty SPACE, man!”
Hastings: “I’ve got the paperwork.”
Haddock: “It doesn’t say ‘DIE’, does it?!”

“It doesn’t say it’ll turn out fine for Ford and Arthur, it just says they’ll be picked up. That doesn’t mean fine.”

“Everyone in the airlock can use their requisitioned towel to hide behind.”

Ford: “Have you escaped from a renaissance fair?”
Macbeth: “HOW DARE YOU?! I’m KING MACBETH!”

“Pretend you never saw us here! – Puts the towel back on his head.”

GM: “Are you taking a deep breath?”
Haddock: “No, I’m taking a deep drink. It’s far more useful!”

“Oh my god, I’ve just drunk a penguin!”

“Why am I wearing a clown suit?”

“He can’t be too bad, he seems to have a drink in his hand.”

GM: “He produces a plastic cup filled with a liquid that in your case is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike whisky.”

Macbeth: “I have a bad feeling about this.”
Kaa: “You have a bad feeling about everything!”
Macbeth: “Yeah but I always get rid of those bad feelings by stabbing it with a sword.”

Macbeth: “I shall go visit the silver knight and have him show me his sword skills.”
GM: “What, Marvin?”

Macbeth: “Young knight, show me your skill in the sword!”
GM: “Marvin doesn’t move.”
Marvin: “Did you know I have this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side?”

Marvin: “‘What’s a robot?’ What are YOU?”
Macbeth: “I am Macbeth. KING Macbeth.”
Marvin: “You look like another one of those ape people. I bet you want to drink tea. He’s always going on about tea, the one in the robe.”

Macbeth: “What do you like to do around here?”
Marvin: “Bide my time.”
Macbeth: “How?”
Marvin: “Well, it normally passes quicker if I switch off.”

Zaphod: “This is the Pan-Galactic Gargle-Blaster.”
Haddock: “Is it good?”
Zaphod: “Yeeeaaaahhhhh!”
Haddock: “Make mine a double, then!”
Zaphod: “Wow, you’re brave, man!”

Zaphod: “This is the stuff, man.”
Haddock: (downs aforementioned drink in one go)
GM: “Oh! You should probably make some kind of roll.”

GM: “For a split second, before you pass out, Zaphod looks impressed. And then he just looks at you on the floor.”
Zaphod (sympathetically): “Yeah, that happens.”

Kaa: “Issss there anything to eat on this ship?”
Zaphod: “Yeah, there’s a stash out the back.”
Kaa: “Apes? Monkeys?”
Zaphod (grinning): “Actually … there’s that tea-drinking bozo in the gown, that’s a monkey. Probably bad to eat him, though.”
Kaa: “Part of your narrative, isn’t he?”
Zaphod: “Yeah … that’s why you probably shouldn’t eat him.”
Kaa: “I’m not ssssupposed to eat the narrative.”
Zaphod: “Maybe have a nibble when he’s not looking.”

“I so wanted something mad to happen!”

GM: “There’s an explosion of noise and light.”
Hastings: “I don’t want to be covered in custard again.”

Next week, we're also bound for some boardgaming shenanigans, so stay tuned for more universal nonsense then!

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