This second and final instalment goes from the Heart of Gold spaceship landing on the ancient planet-building planet of Magrathea to ... well, the point at which the narrative ends, which also concludes their mission. Roll call:
- Arthur Hastings, senior agent and a former military man and now occasional assistant to Agatha Christie's Belgian super-sleuth Hercule Poirot.
- Captain Haddock, an old seadog fond of grog from Hergé's Adventures of Tintin graphic novels.
- Kaa, a snake from Rudyard Kipling's The Jungle Book.
- Macbeth, a mighty king of Shakespearean fame.
We've never felt quite the same about saying the word "Belgium" after this ...
Courtesy of 16 June 2012's 2nd Edition Jurisfiction adventure at Chimera.
Haddock: “Open the door!”
Eddie the Shipboard Computer's backup personality: “Right! Who said that?”
Haddock: “I DID! You binary buffoon!”
Macbeth: “Don’t mind him, he’s just angry all the time.”
Macbeth: “I’m paranoid that they’re trying to kill me so I’m just trying to kill them first.”
Haddock: “Computer, heating on!”
Magrathean computer: “Heating: on.”
Haddock: “What? This is no way to steer a ship!”
Haddock: “Computer! Lights on!”
Computer: “Lights: on.”
GM: “The lights come on.”
Macbeth: “Computer, disable mood lights!”
Computer: “Lights: off.”
GM: “It goes dark again.”
Haddock: “Computer, whisky!”
Computer: “Did you mean … Walsall?”
Haddock: “Whisky!”
Computer: “Did you mean … post office?”
Macbeth: “Computer, fire!”
Computer: “… Fire stations.”
Macbeth: “No, FIRE. I want to cook this whale!”
Computer: “… Unknown command.”
Kaa: “I’ve not tasted whale before.”
Player: “Not normally snake food, is it?”
Haddock: “Computer, make a new planet Earth!”
Computer: “Unauthorised command.”
Haddock: “Computer, make a new planet Earth or I shall smash you into a thousand million pieces!”
Computer: “Unauthorised command.”
Macbeth: “Can I do that too?”
Haddock: “Now, we DID warn it …”
Kaa: “Computer, who can authorise commands?”
Haddock & Macbeth: “Smash!”
GM: “The voice comes on from somewhere else: ‘unauthorised command’, and the alarm goes off. ‘Intruder alert, intruder alert’!”
“After I’ve given it a few good kicks, I get bored.”
Macbeth: “Computer, have I told you that I love you?”
Computer: “Unauthorised command. Intruder alert.”
Hastings: “Jurisfiction agent override.”
Computer: “Unknown command.”
Hastings: “Worth a try.”
Macbeth: “D’you want to hit it?”
Haddock: “We’ve got to go to Belgium!”
Computer: “Mind your language.”
Hastings: “I wonder why it doesn’t like Belgium, then.”
Computer: “Mind your language.”
Macbeth: “Snake, let’s head to this Mind-Your-Language place, it sounds much nicer.”
Macbeth: “Computer, are you racist? You seem to have something against this country.”
Computer: “Unknown command.”
Macbeth: “What do you have against the word ‘Belgium’?”
Computer: “Mind your language.”
“The planet attacked me first, it was self-defence.”
GM: “We’ve gone away from the book, so now it’s just … until you feel like you’ve been working as a team.”
Player: “I don’t think that’s ever going to happen.”
Player: “But that’s part of the narrative?”
GM: “Yeah, but you DON’T KNOW the narrative.”
Kaa: “Issss there an office where we can get detailssss of the orders?”
Magrathean builder: “Is there an office ‘round here, Bruce?”
Bruce: “Umm. Not on here, you’d have to see the planning office. Umm, bit awkward to get to …”
Haddock: “It’s okay, we’ve got hovercrafts.”
Bruce: “Yeah, I think the easiest thing is if you ask it to take you to sector 25.4.”
Haddock: “Is that far from Belgium?”
Bruce: “Umm, I think you should seriously reconsider your choice of words, but it’s not on the planet, mate, it’s eh, it’s on Magrathea. But you could always instruct the hovercar to take you there, it’s probably the quickest way. I mean, I can never find the bloody thing. I find it hard enough just finding the toilet.”
“Follow that hovercraft!”
GM: “If you go down the hallway, there’s a woman there dressed in a uniform. She looks kind of like a flight stewardess, something like that, and she’s holding a clipboard, and wears a smile that’s wayyyy too nice.”
Haddock: “A whisky, please.”
Sylvia: “Hello! Welcome to Magrathea! This is the marketing department.”
Macbeth: “And you are?”
Sylvia: “My name is Sylvia Bronski.”
Haddock: “Aren’t these the people who tried to kill us? Didn’t the marketing department launch a missile at us?”
Sylvia: “I’m afraid I do not understand, but if you would like to step this way, I’m sure we can find you a nice planet. We can show you our catalogue?”
Macbeth: “Okay, as long as you don’t fire any missiles at us.”
Sylvia: “Oh no, sir, this is the marketing department.”
Haddock: “We want one of those. – He points at Earth 2.”
GM: “Well, it’s kind of hidden behind gateways and tunnels.”
Haddock: “That won’t stop me.”
Haddock: “We’ll have an Earth, please.”
Sylvia: “Oh, they’re very popular. This is the second one we’re building right now!”
Haddock: “Is that unusual?”
Macbeth: “It can’t be that popular if it’s only the second one.”
Hastings: “Why would you have a planet made entirely out of gold?”
Haddock: “I guess if you have no taste?”
GM: “… Followed by 500 naked women dropping out of the sky on parachutes.”
Macbeth: “YES! WENCHES!”
Hastings: “Has this planet already been built?”
Macbeth: “Can I have this planet, please?”
Haddock: “Do we know where it is?”
Sylvia: “Whatever your taste, we can always cater for it. We’re not proud.”
GM: “You’re now in a field full of cows.”
Haddock: “Ahh, this is peaceful.”
Macbeth: “I want my wenches back!”
“I was talking to a door! I didn’t think politeness came into it!”
Macbeth: “Young squire, help us get this ship!”
Marvin: “And if I don’t?”
Hastings: “Is this ship part of the narrative now, or has that finished?”
Marvin: “No, it will come back soon. I just need to talk to it for a bit longer.”
Macbeth: “Do you like this ship?”
Marvin: “No.”
Kaa: “Then why are you talking to it?”
Marvin: “Because it’s part of the narrative and it’s to make a comedic point when the other people come back.”
“We can go to that planet we need to investigate for no reason.”
“You’re such a pretty ship. It would be a shame if something happened to you.”
Trans-genre taxi driver: “I can take you to Fanfiction, that’s about as far as I can go.”
Macbeth: “That’ll do.”
Player: “No, no, no. I know Hitchhiker’s fanfiction, we definitely don’t want to go there.”
“I turned on the fridge with the power of my mind.”
“You can DO that?”
“At least I got to beat on a computer.”
It's highly likely that the probability factor has normalised itself again next week, so see you back in D&D land then!
