Wednesday, 3 September 2014

You can't buy beer with frog ornaments

Taking the injured What's-his-face with us, the party finally reached the town of Phandalin, where rumours abound. (They have to, it's D&D law or something. Just like all dwarves have a Scottish accent.)

There were tales of the Redbrands, a gang of thugs saying they're "keeping people safe", and there was something about a banshee called Agatha, and basically, we went around town doing quest pick-ups. There were a whole bunch of 'em in the local tavern. (Please consider giving an honest review on Ye Olde Trippe Advisory!)

Gundren the missing dwarf is apparently with something or someone called the Black Spider. Meanwhile, his two brothers have also gone missing, so now the party cleric has three missing cousins instead of just one. Yay?

Courtesy of Wednesday 27 August 2014's 5th Edition Dugeons & Dragons roleplaying session at Chimera.

Dungeons & Dragons

“Let’s not talk about Savage Worlds. I ran it for a year out of sheer determination.”

Player 1: “What spell should I have?”
Player 2: “What spell do you want?”
GM: “None of them will help you.”

“D&D hasn’t had a facelift, it’s been replaced by a mimic.”

“Roleplaying has never tasted so good.”

“Previously on Torchwood.”
“Which one of us is the gay time traveller?”

“Do you want to make me a Bullshit check for that, considering it’s a lie?”

“I think the cave has indigestion.”

“It sounds like a massive cave-in.”
“REALLY? I could never have guessed.”

GM: “… I’ll allow it.”
Player: “Put a tick on Blag.”

Hematite: “Whar’s me cousin, ye bastard?! – This is me talking Dwarvish, obviously.”

Tan: “We’re not thieves and rogues, we’re heroes and adventurers.”
Player: “Who are you and what have you done with K?”

Karak-Dag: “Silly wizard, did you never read books?”
Malinda: “I’ll start now!”

Rhogar: “We strong, manly men. Him over there is made of twigs and squishy stuff.”

“He’s technically autographed it. If he was famous, it would increase in value.”

Tan: “I have a flute.”
Hematite: “I have an axe!”
Player: “Orright Gimli.”

“Is that the Dwarven version of playing spoons? Playing with a couple of axes?”
“Ah chopped ma leg off! Nah, it’s only ah fleish wuund.”

Hematite: “I’m looking for my cousin. He’s been taken somewhere for plot reasons.”

“Oh my god, a heavy metal dwarf.”
“That’s ALL dwarves. Literally.”

“You can’t buy beer with frog ornaments.”

“Now is the time to Turn Undead, because there’s nothing better than seeing a flaming skull run away.”

“What a coincidence that the shopkeeper has the same name as the shop.”

“We’re all fuckin’ mad!”

Hematite: “I could murder a mug of ale.”
Rhogar: “No, Hematite, you don’t spoil drink by hitting it with axe!”

Karak-Dag: “I’ve pulled!” (chatting with a friendly barmaid)

“Please don’t tell me he used to be an adventurer until he took an arrow to the knee.”

“I used to be an adventurer until I took a car dashboard to the knee.”

“We should stop bugging the other table. They’re further along than us and might spoil things.”

“I’m proficient in the use of my tool.”
“We’ve achieved scrota!”

“Oh my god, we’ve reached a pedantic-off.”

“It’s a wind-based flute.”
“Aren’t they normally?”

Player: “Obligatory rumour in a tavern!”
GM: “Actually, there are six.”

GM: “You switch to a more emotive tune.”
Player: “The Rains of Castamere?”

“Nothing’s ever good in D&D. Nothing.”
“Is that what you tell yourself at night to keep the voices at bay?”

“We should put on yellow jumpsuits and jump out and kill people.”
“No.”

“Note to self: mayor spineless.”

“Goblins are like cute and cuddly compared to orcs. I wouldn’t want to cuddle an orc.”
“You’re so racist!”
“Oh yes.”

“I haven’t rolled over five today. (rolls) Four.”
“Dice shaming!”

“When a hero kills a baddie, that’s fine. When a baddie kills someone, they’re ALL guilty and need to die.”

“There’s plenty on the to-do-list.”
“Says the party scribe.”

“Yay, mass murder!”
“Righteous justice, my lady.”

More heroically epic adventuring next week!

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