Friday, 30 September 2011

We are the worst saviours of the future EVER

We were heading toward Salt Lake City The City of Gloom by train - well, except we had to catch it first, and had only just missed the previous one by a day. We had to camp out and Gunney attacked by a big maggot-looking thing. Not that he knew anything about it, he was fast asleep. Its smouldering corpse was ground down to powder by Slick, who added mint and called it a fine gum, but then again, his tastebuds have become rather peculiar as of late.

We then had the idea of flying to Devil's Tower, which ultimately ended in Reynard falling out of the damned craft (it had no seatbelts, see, because those things hadn't been invented at the time) plummeting to his death. Except he's not called "Lucky" for nothing. If he HAD died, though, he would've actually become Harrowed. Alas, he's still in the world of the living ... somehow. Well, at least until the next session.

Now we're stuck in the middle of nowhere, because our method of transportation decided to crash land because it wasn't made by our Sam. Sam, in turn, had his horrible cough cured by Mary, and the black gunk in his lungs turned out to be souls ... which Slick saved some of in a jar. Like you do.

Courtesy of Tuesday 27 September 2011's 1st Edition Deadlands adventure at Chimera.


“So you’re angry because Magic: The Gathering killed off your favourite bad guys?”
“The BEST bad guys!”

“Like Tony Stark’s dad, a cantankerous old bastard.”
“I need a cave and a box of scraps!”

“See that? That’s the door. He’s defending Céline Dion and that’s something that should never happen!”

“I liked Avril Lavigne for her looks.”
“Dude, she was like 12!”

“God damnit, we need to google this.”

“I bet it’s a film in Japan.”

“ ‘If you believe in chronological time’ … I can tell I’ve reached roleplaying. Sentences like that don’t normally happen.”

“Intellectual theft is okay if you lobotomise them first.”

“B’s OCD is becoming offensive.”

“What’s a rabbit’s favourite music genre?”
“Carrot rock?”
“Hip hop!”
“That pun wasn’t even bunny.”

“Puns or death?”
“A surprising amount of people choose death.”
“Only if they’re out of cake.”

“You were lagging so far behind you could say we were lapping you.”

“A flying horse is a Pegasus. What’s a flying donkey?”
“A pegasass?”

“The future’s going to explode! Stay away from the future!”

“We’re having a gaming break for classic rock.”

“Oh god, these cookies are like crack.”

“How many bounty points am I currently eating?”

GM: “You DO have a Disguise skill, though.”
Player: “Yeah, but only two.”
GM: “Two what?”
Player: “…Two d12?”

“Don’t call him French! YOU’RE the one who ran away during the last combat!”
“My gun stopped working! What was I supposed to have done?”
“Cry! Cry like a child!”

Mary: “I caught religion.”
Player 1: “Like it was an STD.”
Player 2: “Both make you warm inside.”

“Are we about to get killed by a maggot?”

“ ‘Working on his bits’ … I’m always really focused when I’m working on MY bits …”

“My head is currently on fire and I’m turning into Ghost Rider, but I don’t wake up.”

“I want you to know I’m adding a powdered braincrawler to my inventory.”

Mary: “Check myself. Do I have any of them?”
GM: “No, you’re clear.”
Player: “If not, this would be Slither.”

Gunney: “I’ve had it with you! Every time I turn around you’re either feedin’ me people or burnin’ my hair off!”
Slick: “Would you like some braincrawler gum?”
Gunney: “No, I don’t want any of your gum! You could’ve just woken me up!”

“You don’t take a job from Hellstromme and say no.”
“Also: money!”

“No! No more time plots! Ever!”

“If we mess this up, a paradox will eat the universe.”

Reynard: “Have you made something for Gunney to improve his Pace yet?”
Sam: “BIG GUN!”
Slick: “Not even a zimmerframe?”
Sam: “BIGGER GUN!”
Mary: “Rollerblades?”
Sam: “BIG GUN!”

“Can I roll to kick him in the ‘nads?”

Player: “Do I get covered in it?”
GM: “Roll Nimbleness.”
Player: “Oh bollocks.”

“We haven’t even got on the train yet and we’re already summoning The Exorcist!”

Sam: “I can breathe! I can breathe! Somebody get me a cigar!”

Gunney: “Normally men don’t complain about women touching them.”
Sam: “I have commitment issues!”
Gunney: “…He HAS had five wives.”
Sam: “Four!”

“Look, the only reason I shot his wife was because she was pissing me off! I didn’t kill her.”

“Do souls give you bigger breasts?”
“Pamela Anderson must have a helluva soul.”

“Some people keep fish. We keep blacklung souls.”

“At least it’s not a tweetlung …”
“#LOL.”

Player 1: “So Jackie, is there going to be anything unusual getting there?”
Player 2: “Metatextual.”

“It’s like Chinese whispers, only we’re not whispering.”

“We just harass the plot until it yields.”

Slick: “I’m not insane, I’m just Louisianan!”

Player: “If he fails and the Manitou takes over his body …”
Reynard: “What do you mean ‘if’? More like ‘how many times per adventure’!”

“Give me the jar!”
“Sir, I won’t aid you rushing in the Apocalypse.”

“We call it ‘loco’. ‘Going postal’ means ridin’ a horse.”

“Apparently, altering your trousers can give you mind powers.”

“If I didn’t kill her, he wouldn’t pay me and if he wouldn’t pay me, I wouldn’t eat, so I HAD to shoot her. It was self defence!”

“He made the Shatgun. Don’t question the Shatgun.”

“He’s more insane than I am. He fed us people!”

“She’s from some crazy death future, I’m sure that’s madder than us.”

Jackie: “Have you been to the City of Gloom?”
Mary: “Yes. It’s that Mormon place, isn’t it? Bleedin’ bastards! They were very unfriendly.”
Slick: “What, more Bible-bashers? Aww, Christ …!”

“If you roll Scrutinize, you’ll see something rare on Gunney’s face: a smile.”

Sam: “I’m going to New York.”
Mary: “That’s very far from Seattle?”
Gunney: “We chose them on purpose.”

“What does the L stand for?”
“Leroy.”
“That’s strangely appropriate.”

“We’re really bad men.”
“We’re not really bad; we just have very bendable morals.”
“ ‘Bendable morals’? Bendable like a $3 whore!”

“We need Optimus Prime, is what he’s saying.”

“ ‘Let’s go!’ we say and sit back on the train.”

“Anything anyone wants to do on the train?”
“Conversation shouldn’t be one of them …”

“We apologise for the delay. The next train will be AFTER the Apocalypse.”

“Two days, maybe three. If it’s late, four.”
“That sounds like a long enough time to have us an adventure.”

Player: “Is it the same day?”
GM: “That you get killed and scalped? Probably.”

Slick: “Is it faster than the train?”
Sam: “It’s a steam wagon built by ME.”
Slick: “…So, IS IT faster?”

“I don’t think we have got enough for a horse riding montage. We’re missing a crucial feature of a Western!”

“Do potions work on horses?”
“Radio-active barf horses! Here we go!”

“So telegraphs are like texting.”
“No, because no one wrote ‘CU L8R LOL.”
“Stop.”

“Are we now discussing telegram sex? Really?”

“Yes! STOP. Yes! STOP. Yes! STOP.”
“Stop giving me mixed messages! Stop.”

“Telegram Sam, you’re my main man.”

“Don’t you worry, I’m the best pilot there is.”
“That doesn’t fill me with confidence.”

“In case of a crash, what are we supposed to do?”
“Die.”

GM: “Can everyone make me a Strength check?”
Player: “Not willingly.”

GM: “Sam reaches for Slick.”
Slick: “No he wouldn’t.”
Sam: “Yeah, I wouldn’t.”

Reynard: “If you don’t tell them what a car is, one of them will invent something and call it a car.”
Slick: “I’ve invented the cure-all car!”
Sam: “0 to 60 in under four seconds!”
Slick: “Only if you get a bad batch. You don’t want a potion to go 0 to 60.”

“I’m not gonna say anything because earlier I talked about the Pol Pot Sex Bot.”

“Sir, I’m worried about the state of your soul.”

“You’re actually saying radroaches? That’s Fallout.”

“You want to roll new characters anyway, right?”
“No!”
“No, I like mine!”

GM: “Anyone want to do anything?”
Player: “No, let’s get on with the plot while you have the chance!”

“That man needs medical attention! Take us down now!”
“He might need a coroner, more like …”

“It’s a bit hard to dodge the ground.”

GM: “You can see him get up and brush himself off.”
Slick: “I’m beginning to see why you guys call him Lucky.”

GM: “I really want to fumble this piloting roll now.”
Player: “So the rest of us die.”

“We are the worst saviours of the future EVER.”

“I get out my mobile and call the AA.”

Mary: “I’m praying to God, because that actually works now.”

Reynard: “I’m very good at judging these things. I dodged a train once, you know.”

Sam (to Mary): “This is a disaster film! You’re the priest! With something to hide! …Do you have something to hide?”
Slick: “I’m the zany comic relief, aren’t I?”

“Down a potion to soak two wounds with a resigned look on my face.”

“In the real world, seatbelts protect you from damage. In Deadlands, it straps you in and kills you.”

“It’s a good thing we didn’t take the train, isn’t it?”

“Glad I fathered all the children I needed to.”

“The reliability of this potion is 16. I rolled 20.”

“Stone doesn’t need to shoot us. Stone just needs to be around us long enough for us to shoot each other!”

“Now I understand why Gunney hit you.”

“Let’s celebrate being even less effective than usual and not progressing the plot!”

“This sort of thing never happened on Bonanza.”

“This should be a TV-series.”
“It would be the worst TV-series ever, making it the BEST TV-series ever.”

“When have I ever said ‘to be sure, to be sure’?”
“Just now.”

“Mary should be played by someone who can actually do a proper Irish accent … consistently.”

“Computer games don’t make people violent – lag does.”

We didn't progress the plot an awful lot, but we had tremendous fun not doing so. In case you didn't realise, this is the session with the highest page count in the big book of quotes. Yay for us! By the way, all your d4s are belong to us.

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