...But not before Slick managed to knock a guard out with Slumbergas, robbed him of $3, which he justified as a "sale" by planting a bottle of coloured water on him (he has such sound morals, that man!) - then he left him in an alley to be eaten alive by a gang of mechanical cats. But at least we're back on the railroad now ...
Courtesy of Tuesday 4 October 2011's 1st Edition Deadlands adventure at Chimera. Still got a good session, even though we technically started an hour later (or so) than we normally do.
“Have you heard how the Energizer Bunny died? He died from sexual exhaustion. Someone put the batteries in the wrong way and instead of going and going and going …”
“I know what that’s like.”
“Once you’re settled, could you tell me what date it is? I realise it’s a strange question.”
“Can I pay you to pick my chips tonight?”
(looking at a woman)
“I know your t-shirt says ‘Rochester’, but the way you’ve got it, it just says ‘chest’ to me.”
“I cheat.”
“Yeah, but you cheat in a bad way.”
(draws 3 white chips) “What a surprise. I’ve got more whites than the Ku Klux Klan.”
“He’s a communist Nazi Klan member!”
“Yeah, ‘cause they all go together.”
“No.”
“I love how the Ku Klux Klan were, in part, taken down by Superman.”
GM: “Let’s see if I can draw the map.”
Player: “Is it going to be as impressive as the last one?”
GM (looking at previous map): “It kinda looks like a beta version of The Sims.”
“Is that a subway?”
“No, it’s a train.”
“In a few years, James Cameron will make this in 3D.”
“And then, George Lucas will come and re-do it all and make it worse, for no reason: Now there’s a scene with Gunney running, which no one remembers happening before. OMG, he’s superimposed Gunney’s legs!”
“Stop telling the GM to screw us up more. Let him do it on his own!”
“If that’s a super-secret message, you’ve just failed miserably.”
Gunney: “Move really slowly away from the basket. I would run, but I don’t have the stats to.”
Player: “The rest of us are live action – Gunney’s stop motion.”
“Am I gonna need a Nimbleness roll just to keep my ‘nads? Or is this gonna be some sort of Afghanistan situation?”
“Does he know about liquids?”
“He knows how to piss himself.”
“Why I’m talking like robot?”
“What’s a robot?”
“If I lose one Pace, I’ll move minus one square per turn.”
“I don’t know why I’m suggesting tarpaulin; we haven’t got any.”
Player: “How long before it blows? (rolls) Two ones and a nine.”
GM (overly reassuring): “It’s gonna be stable for HOURS!”
“All of us come back Harrowed and Stone is really surprised.”
“I bet this bit isn’t in the original version.”
Slick: “I carry napalm in a bottle.”
Mary: “I carry … a notebook.”
Slick: “Probably an explosive notebook by our standards.”
Player: “Also, they have legs. They can run.”
GM: “They CURRENTLY have legs …”
Mary: “I’ll help Gunney along. Wouldn’t wanna leave grandpa behind.”
Gunney (sarcastic): “Thanks.”
GM: “Where Jessie is? She’s standing in a corner smoking.”
Player: “What corner? We’re in a desert!”
“I’ll put some sand over it.”
“So we’re basically creating landmines.”
“I’ll put a flag down to mark it. I don’t know where I got a flag from, though.”
“We should come back in the future and dig this up.”
(after licking a bourbon-soaked stick of dynamite to see what it tastes like)
Slick: “Well. That weren’t very nice.”
“In 1980, some kid is gonna fall into the hole and blow up the world.”
“What do I care about what happens in a hundred years?”
“Isn’t that the whole point of the adventure we’re doing?”
“Chemistry in action, boys! Ain’t it beautiful?”
(looking at a crater)
“We seem to have made a mark on the world.”
Reynard: “I fall through the air in slow motion, and when I land, I go back to normal speed again and roll over.”
Player: “What is this, 300? Deadlands directed by Zach Snyder!”
GM: “You no longer have any dynamite or ghost rock.”
Player: “You could’ve just killed him. Why this cruelty?”
Sam: “We have no bourbon?!”
Reynard: “It’s always the bourbon that goes.”
Slick: “I’m sure I could brew up something.”
Sam: “I ain’t drinkin’ anything you brew!”
Gunney: “It might have people in it.”
(to the neighbouring table)
“A French, camp Hitler SHOULD be the plot.”
(and)
“Do you guys ever play the game you’re supposed to play?”
“Can you do that? CAN you explode twice?”
“Yes. WE can.”
“We have a major malfunction on the boiler? Guess we’re walking.”
Player 1: “We might just be 2-3 metres above ground this time.”
Player 2: “No, that’s too dangerous. We might hit cacti.”
Player 3: “That’s a Disney death.”
Player 2: “It would certainly be a prickly situation.”
“Can I vote that we NEVER fly EVER AGAIN?”
“I run off for a heartfelt reunion with my wagon.”
“Good to see we’ve all retained our dignity.”
“Does K get a bonus for doing an unnerving imitation of Kurt Russell as Wyatt Earp in Tombstone?”
“Well, if you’re gonna Bluff, Bluff large.”
“You don’t need to check my authorisation. These are not the droids you are looking for. Move along.”
“We need a potion for summoning Alec Guinness.”
(Sings) “You’re gonna paint your wagon …” (stops, complete silence) “So … no one but me got that, then?”
“I’ve got a long history of gassing officials and then leaving town.”
Slick: “Run after him: Sir, you’ve become unwell! Come into my wagon!”
Slick (over unconscious guard): “Take $3 from him. I’ll leave him a bottle of coloured water. Then it’s a SALE.”
Reynard: “Greek fire and dynamite in the same bag. What can go wrong?”
Gunney: “Can I rewind to the start of the session? THAT. THAT can go wrong!”
“It’s worth mentioning we’re a product of our surroundings.”
“NPCs should stop trying to arrest us. Then maybe our body count would be lower.”
Reynard: “FLAMEthrowers?!”
Player 1: “…It’s how you said that.”
Player 2: “We’re so screwed.”
Slick: “I’m in a wagon watching a man get eaten alive by mechanical cats.”
Player: “While eating cannibal stew.”
Slick: “Well, it would go off otherwise.”
“It’s not like you can Sky+ reality. Let’s move on.”
“He refused to save the world unless we paid him $50.”
“I would’ve done it for less …”
“Sorry, I just have a vision of your wagon becoming Optimus Prime.”
Reynard (trying to convince the party he should buy a new toy): “Flamethrower does 1d12 damage. To multiple people!”
Reynard (finally decided): “I’ll buy a flamethrower. We’re probably gonna die after this anyway.”
“I’m not eating Bonnie and Clyde!”
Sam: “Jimmy! Give me four tram wheels for that stupid ass wagon!”
Slick: “It’s an alchemist’s wagon.”
Sam: “Stupid ass wagon!”
“I’ve gone from potions to dinner. It’s delicious!”
“I’m thinking of jackin’ all my points into Ridicule. It feels strangely appropriate.”
“I realise why he’s called Lucky and not Brainy.”
GM: “Give me a Vigor roll.”
Reynard: “To sleep?”
GM: “No, to survive the gumbo.”
GM: “So Slick and Lucky are in Slick’s wagon, Mary’s in the steam wagon and Sam and Gunney are on top of the steam wagon. That correct?”
Player: “And Cantona’s in defence.”
“If there was a SINGLE Tesco in Deadlands, we’d be all right.”
“No, they’d just sell Louisiana gumbo at half price.”
“Somewhere at the back of Tesco’s is one of Slick’s distant relations, stirring up stuff, laughing madly.”
“This is like the roleplaying version of Planes, Trains and Automobiles, for God’s sake! STEVE MARTIN would get there before us!”
Player (surprised): “Has Mary suddenly become Irish?”
GM: “She’s ALWAYS been Irish. Right, let’s just clear this up once and for all: Mary’s always been Irish, Slick has always been an Alchemist and Lucky has always been lucky.”
Gunney: “And I’m old.”
GM: “We can finish there.”
Player: “Did we get to page one yet?”
GM: “I don’t have to run it from–”
Player: “That’s a no.”
Reynard: “Anyone want to play an honest game of cards?”
Mary: “You’re called LUCKY Reynard, not HONEST Reynard.”
Reynard: “ ‘Honest Reynard’, I like that.”
GM: “Make me a Bluff check.”
“No NPC was killed in this session. Except for the one guy.”
“Who was in a pool! Of blood.”
“But he wasn’t killed by the party. Not directly, anyway.”
“You’ve brought out the porn music; should I be worried?”
“It’s only Shaft. We’re just a couple of soul brothers walking on the wrong side of town.”
(video games mean fewer psycho killers, because they act out aggressiveness in-game instead of in real life)
“That’s why there’s no Yorkshire Ripper right now. They’re busy patrolling Vice City.”
“Fan fiction proves to me that I spend just enough time on the Internet.”
We progressed the plot! Or at least we like to tell ourselves we have, because now we've picked up both Sam's and Slick's wagons from the City of Gloom and have headed off down the railway. We might paint some wagons next week as well, gonna paint 'em good, yes sir.
