Do orcs need toes?

We nearly died in an attack - two players down, yay - but managed to get back up and win the day. We found the Wyvern Tor and a cave full of orcs and an ogre, and finally managed to take a hostage. Unfortunately, the spitting little git didn't know anything, so the "Lawful Good" Tan cut off his thumb, which Hematite dutifully bandaged. Then the party decided to dangle the orc over the side of a cliff and let him drop ... only to cast Feather Fall.

Long story short, he's now pining for the fjords.

On the way back to the Yellow Brick Trail, we encountered a group of goblins. Since goblins were the ones who actually had something to do with the Rockseeker brothers, we managed to take another prisoner who DID know stuff. He was hogtied in a very ... umm ... imaginative way. Let's just say it would appear Karak-Dag has some very exotic interests ...

Courtesy of Wednesday 22 October 2014's 5th Edition Dugeons & Dragons roleplaying session at Chimera.

Dungeons & Dragons

Start of the session, one player down already: “So, what game are we playing next?”

GM: “Are odds or evens in your favour?”
Player: “May the odds be EVER in your favour.”

GM: “I don’t want to be prophetic, but I said about rolling a 1 and he did, and then rolling a 20 and he did.”
Player (who rolled the 1): “You don’t NEED that manor house in Hunter, right?”

Malinda (surprised): “My dice work today.”

“You’re some sort of XP whore, aren’t you?”

Malinda: “So what we’re saying is that if I burn Karak-Dag a few times, we’ll level soon.”

“You should stop rolling like I do.”

GM: “You don’t fall on it without noticing it.”
Player: “I just fall on it, but I notice it first?”

“Your mum cast spells further! – I’m mature.”

“Reading the Shadowrun rulebook is worse than reading The Necronomicon. It’s bloody AWFUL.”

“Oh, look at that.”
“I crit the darkness!”

“Trying to moon someone while dressed in full armour isn’t recommended.”

“You have the bone density of a cream cracker.”

“You have your own tablet, you lazy bastard!”
“Yeah, but I could’ve used yours.”

Rhogar: “I’m going to make a Rhogotov cocktail.” (crits) “I’m super-efficient at stuffing a rag into a bottle.”

GM: “The first ogre runs out.”
Player: “The FIRST?!”
GM: “Sorry, first orc.”

“GM rolls a lot of crits compared to us.”

“Orcs are dangerous, I’ve decided. Ogres are pushovers.”

Player 1: “Well, that didn’t pan out.”
GM: “Their to-hit is 11, you rolled 12.”
Player 2: “It panned out! It panned out!”

“Let’s try out the new die. (rolls) It’ll do.”

“Is the ogre still up?”
“We only hit it once.”

Malinda: “Who took out six people in this battle?”
Player: “Yes, but you wield the arcane powers of the universe!”

“We’ve now traumatised an orc.”

Karak-Dag: “There are plenty of monsters to hit, we don’t hit each other.”

Rhogar: “If I liked him more, I might apologise.”

“Is this a ‘mite fuzzier on kneecaps’ moment?”

“I have an idea that might class as Intimidation rather than torture. Maybe.”

“My Karma is a minefield.”

Tan: “I haven’t broken any laws.”
Player: “What about the Geneva Convention?”
Rhogar: “What is this Geneva place?”
Hematite: “… A sponge?”

Tan: “Do people need toes?”
Rhogar: “Technically, yes.”
Tan: “All of them?”

Hematite: “Where do you come from?”
GM: “Roll Intimidation.”
Hematite (rolls a 5): “Where do you come from, me wee laddie? Would you like a cup of tea? Some haggis?”

“He’s dead? Problem solved.”

“In D&D, nothing is ever trying to just have a conversation with you.”

“This was our fourth Crusade and he was our Constantinople.”

“The smell of burned orc in the morning is something I don’t like.”
“Smells like victory.”

“I love the smell of burned orc in the morning. Smells like … I’m going to be sick, actually.”

“I thought there would be something magical up here that could be stolen.”
“You mean ‘liberated’.”

“Yes, but I’m trying to be Stephen Fry and explain to all Alan Davieses in the room that you only get malnutrition if you ONLY eat the rabbit and nothing else.”

(to GM) “Are you looking up stats for a rabbit?”

“Did you just apologise to a sweet?”

“Tactics? What tactics? My tactics are getting angry and killing everything.”

“The GM appears to be speaking in tongues.”

“You get the feeling that Karak-Dag has had too much experience in a bondage parlour.”

“The reason you’re alive is that we’re not monsters. Not all of us.”

“Congratulations, you’re going to live long.”

Oh bless our little murderous hearts. See you next week!