In the cellar under the Redbrand mansion, we found the wife and children of a man who had been murdered. We tried to be reassuring and sympathetic, but it perhaps didn't pan out very well.
At any rate, we got rid of (in an Al Pacino way) most of the Redbrands, strongly suggested others might want to skip town and never return, and took a few as prisoners. Said prisoners were then hastily juged by the person we saved from that other cave, who assumed control of the town and Mayor Spineless didn't mind this at all, and executed.
Pats on the backs all 'round.
Courtesy of Wednesday 24 September 2014's 5th Edition Dugeons & Dragons roleplaying session at Chimera.
“We’ve already exceeded scrota, so that was not scrota-related.”
GM: “What else do you know about Lord Albrek?”
Player: “He’s a knob.”
“In any dungeon you go in, there HAS to be crates of salted meat. It’s a rule of the universe.”
“This is not the session of many 20s.”
“Beaver pelts?”
“Beaver pelts.”
“Beaver pelts!”
Karak-Dag: “By the Efreet! A secret door!”
Rhogar: “Who is Efreet?”
“Apparently, it’s going to be all genitalia jokes today.”
“So, you’re taking a queer? … Quiver.”
“Ooh, I say.”
“It’s a great idea … he says, looking at his personality.”
“We CAN burn everything down, when we leave, after we’ve looted everything and killed everyone.”
GM: “You can’t hear anything at the door.”
Player 1: “Okay, I’m going in.”
Player 2: “I think you’ve failed your Spot check, sir.”
“Do I look like the sort of person who eats a lot of fruit?”
“I love how our brains go straight to threat level instead of set dressing.”
“So the closest one gets to fight with a turnip?”
“Yay.”
“If a skeleton CAN stop in wonder, that’s what they’d be doing.”
“What happened?”
“I got twatted.”
GM: “You cut him in half. He’s still alive.”
Player: “We can’t have that!”
“I’m going to smackerise him! – Not on a nine I’m not!”
“I’ve seen Pirates of the Caribbean as well, so I should be able to help.”
“Scrota has been ruptured, we need to be taken to A&E!”
Hematite (to teenage girl prisoner): “D’ye like Twilight?”
Player: “What?!”
Hematite: “I’m trying to be reassuring.”
Karak-Dag (also trying to reassure teenager): “It’s okay, we’ve never worked for the BBC!”
“If you had a bard, you could start a Top of the Pops.”
“I’m now Rhogar Doorbreaker Shieldbiter, Scourge of Inanimate Objects!”
“Everyone’s gonna get a Scourge name. It’ll be a thing.”
“Scourge of the Side Quests!”
“Door murderer.”
“I can’t believe we got three crits on walking across a ledge.”
Player 1: “I know what a womb is. You need to take your scrota pills.”
GM: “Or take it down from 11.”
Player 2: “Can’t. It’s tied to my volume switch.”
Player 1: “What’s on the second floor?”
Player 2: “We get up there: there’s a green dragon. Oh fuck, we’re leaving.”
GM: “You’ve read the adventure?”
Player: “Aww, you’re nice.”
GM: “Yes, I am.”
Player: “You’re so modest, too.”
“Is it nailed down? No? Then it belongs to the party.”
“Is it nailed down? Do you have a claw hammer? Then it’s ours.”
“I’ll bother your door with my giant maul! … I need help.”
“Notice how no one said ‘no, you’re fine’.”
“Killing and thieving, what an example to set for our children.”
“I’m upset now, there’s nothing to fuckin’ rob.”
“If I had a top hat and a bow tie, I’d be a Chippendale.”
“Dragondale?”
“Why are we doing this again?”
“Because I said so and no one disagreed.”
GM: “If you don’t mind hitting Karak-Dag.”
Karak-Dag: “I’D mind!”
“We’re gonna quickly mug ‘em, I mean scavenge, and then we’ll hightail it.”
“Let’s do this, Gangs of New York style.”
“He ran away. Bravely.”
“I’ve got a maul, a shield, a longsword and a spear. I look perfectly cuddly.”
“I love a good nap after a murder.”
Goodness knows what's in store for us next session. Find out next week!
