But yeah, we'll save that to next week, so instead, as this was pre-prepared, here's the fifth and final part of Midwinter Murders, the very first Jurisfiction adventure. After chasing Vampire Bella from Breaking Dawn, the team have followed her into a quaint, English village - the sort you've come to expect from Midsomer Murders.
In a picturesque cottage, Miss Marple invites the party for a cup of hot, drugged chocolate. Half the party was snoozing and the other half circling the village in a stolen car looking for Bella. Ending up back at Marple's cottage, they call shenanigans on the old woman - who is obviously the mastermind behind everything!!
And then they bundled her into a bathtub, found Vampire Bella (who passed out because she started bleeding from a gunshot wound), bundled her into the bathtub as well, and went back to HQ with the knowledge of it being a job well done.
Courtesy of 4 December 2011's 1st Edition Jurisfiction adventure at Chimera.
“When MY jaw drops open, you’ve probably crossed a line.”
Hastings: “We’re in a crime novel! I can FEEL IT.”
George: “Bella! Come out! You’re surrounded, and you’re in a genre where you’re going to get caught.”
Vampire Bella: “Screw you!”
George: “She’s over there!”
“I hate Midsomer Murders. People are stupid for not having moved out of there years ago.”
Alice: “What’s a television show?”
Outlander: “It’s a magical box that plays images.”
Alice: “Oh, that sounds quite wonderful! Why would anyone not like that?”
George: “Not now! We’re chasing a vampire through Midsomer Worthing!”
“Some of us can go for six hours, others can go for six minutes.”
Alice: “Dear little pig will be lonely! Edward is sure to pull its tail!”
“If you come out now, I promise I won’t kick you in the ovaries.”
“…More than once.”
“Why are you screaming?”
“Shoot her. Shoot her now.”
“Everyone back away, it’s Miss Marple!”
“Do you mind stepping away from the woman who attracts deaths like a flower attracts bees?”
“What, you mean like Poirot?”
Miss Marple: “Should a little girl really go chasing after murderers like that? Wouldn’t you rather have a hot chocolate, dear?”
Alice: “I would very much like a hot chocolate, but I’m afraid I’m a Jurisfiction agent, you see.”
Miss Marple: “Oh, really?”
George: “Don’t go near the Marple! Come on!”
Outlander: “You’ll be marked for death!”
Outlander: “I’m 90% Miss Marple actually murders people and then elaborately pins it on others.”
Alice: “Oh, I’m sure that couldn’t be true, because she offered me hot chocolate, you know.”
“That was a double negative, sir.”
“Damn you and your concept of the English language!”
“When did Bella turn into a dog?”
George: “I don’t know, but she’s escaping. I’m gonna throw a car at her.”
“Miss Marple, do you own some kind of car? We’re stealing it.”
“Anyone seen the Wacky Races? I bet we look like that.”
Miss Marple: “What do you think of my embroidered cushions?”
Alice: “Why, they’re VERY intricate. I do try needlework, but I’m afraid I get terribly muddled and I prick my fingers so.”
Miss Marple: “Oh, you should try one of those little thimbles, they’re very useful.”
Alice: “Perhaps I should. Only the narrative is almost always with me, so it’s very difficult to do anything other than what the narrative says.”
Miss Marple: “Yes, I imagine so.”
Alice: “And there’s never any chance to practice one’s needlework!”
Miss Marple: “Hmm. I don’t have the same problem.”
Player: “We appear to BE IN a Miss Marple story now.”
Player: “Discussing needlework. That has so many different connotations, depending on the story. Especially with someone who’s always allegedly tripped up on drugs.”
Pretend Alice: “I can never get it into a vein.”
Pretend Miss Marple: “I know, deary, it’s so hard when you’re all wrinkly. At my age it’s really hard to get one up!”
“Meanwhile, we’re driving around like Miami Vice.”
Outlander (drugged, passing out): “I think … you’re a … whore.”
Miss Marple: “Oh, the language.”
Alice (drugged, falling asleep): “She’s clearly not a horse. Her face isn’t nearly long enough, although it does keep moving … round and round …”
Alice: “You’d think I’d have a higher drug tolerance, wouldn’t you?”
Hastings: “Sleeping on the job, that’s inexcusable.”
George: “Miss Marple, I need some help! I have drunk some tea and I appear to be stumbling.”
Miss Marple: “I’m afraid I am on the toilet!”
George: “Marple, we’ve got you surrounded. Bring out the vampire skank, or I’m going to chair you.”
Hastings: “I’ve just realised a brilliant thing about the chair. Break it apart and it becomes a stake!”
Miss Marple: “We’re not coming out.”
George: “‘We’? Where did that come from?”
Miss Marple: “… The royal we?”
Hastings: “Miss Marple, are you guilty of harbouring a fugitive?”
Miss Marple: “Am I? Who would that be?”
Hastings: “The woman you’re harbouring.”
Player: “It’s a reinforced bathroom door?”
GM: “Yes …?”
George: “Where’s the vampire?!”
Miss Marple: “Vampire?”
George: “The nice girl who sparkles!”
“Let’s just chair Miss Marple and move on. She has plenty of books. This one will just end differently.”
George: “Do you want me to just beat Miss Marple into unconsciousness and come with you?”
Betteredge: “YES.”
Hastings: “It’s her house, and we don’t really care, however she is guilty of literary crimes, so maybe she should have something to remember she should obey the police.”
Betteredge: “Yeah, like DEATH. Death would remind her.”
“I succeed by a bit.”
George: “SPLASH! That’s why they call me the monster! I’m taking the bath for Bella.”
“Stay there. Throw the old woman in the bath!”
“And she hasn’t yet finished on the toilet.”
“So you’ve now got an old lady with her pants down, face down, in the bath?”
“I’ve put the shower curtain around her so she’s wedged in.”
“Technically, I’m going for a non-Eraserhead first, because I’m just gonna try to wing her in the head.”
“Wing her in the head? How the hell do you wing someone in the head?!”
Hastings: “Why is she unconscious?”
Betteredge: “Because you shot her in the head.”
GM: “No, because blood makes her so nauseous.”
Hastings: “So it wasn’t the fact she was shot in the head, she saw her own blood, she fell unconscious?”
GM: “Yep.”
Player: “She’s like the shittest vampire EVER.”
GM: “Yep!”
George: “What am I bundling her up with?”
Hastings: “There’ll be some sacks, it’s a shed.”
Player 1: “Presumably with Miss Marple, in the bath, with the shower curtain.”
Player 2: “We’re doing Cluedo now?”
“Are you telling me we have just whacked the wrong one?”
“Why would Miss Marple wear sneakers?”
“Because no one would suspect it.”
“Please let me know when I’m conscious.”
Alice: “Where am I? Mr Outlander called that nice old lady a horse and everything went terribly fuzzy.”
George: “That nice old lady is a scheming, bitter, evil mastermind.”
Seldon: “And has been arrested.”
George: “And I’ve broken her head with a chair.”
Hastings: “… Along with Miss Marple.”
The Bellman: “Miss Marple?”
George: “Aiding and abetting.”
The Bellman: “Miss Marple?!”
George: “Plus being a geriatric bitch.”
Hastings: “Do you know how I feel? She’s from MY SAME AUTHOR and I had to bring her down. HOW do you think that makes ME feel?!”
Betteredge: “To be fair, Monster had to take her down. With a chair.”
Alice: “Perhaps I’m turning into a dormouse. That could help. Could you check to see if I have a tail?”
Betteredge: “You don’t have a tail, my dear.”
The Bellman: “We have no record of any Bella Generics, but she’s basically a Generic herself.”
“To be safe, we should probably erase both Bellas …”
“We’re essentially turning into the Nazis. That’s just put a massive damper on my weekend. I’ve essentially joined the literature Nazis.”
GM: “You won’t get much out of Bella anyway, ‘cause one of them will keep talking about her FANTASTIC EDWARD, who is so AWESOME and HANDSOME. And the other one simply won’t speak, but mentions something about wanting to speak to a lawyer.”
Player: “That’s definitely the guilty one.”
GM: “Realistically, could Bella be the brains behind ANYTHING?”
And that, as they say, is the end of that. What the next filler post will be, you'll have to Read And Find Out. Regular programming should be back next week.
