Since I was too busy laughing to jot down quotes, here's the final episode of Jurisfiction: Meanwhile in Narnia, in which the agents meet Aslan (who in no way has the chocolatey voice of Liam Neeson) and explain a few things to him. And then they shoot him with a tranquiliser dart, of course. This is a roleplaying game, after all.
They also solve the mystery of whodunnit, and "accidentally" tranq Peter Pevensie just as he's trying to hit on Carmilla. It was the best day ever!
Courtesy of 18 December 2013's 2nd Edition Jurisfiction adventure at Chimera.
Louis as Fake Santa: “Ho-ho-ho you mighty lion of Narnia!”
Aslan (very rough voice): “Ullo.”
GM: “He doesn’t really sound the way you’d expect Aslan to sound.”
Player: “No, he doesn’t.”
Alice: “… And Lucy’s having very inappropriate thoughts about Mr Tumnus the faun!”
Louis: “VERY inappropriate.
Aslan (dejected): “Well, she wouldn’t have me, would she?”
Player: “Alice has gone from ‘I really want to meet these people, I really wanna meet these people’ to ‘MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD, which I’m still living out again and again, has been destroyed’.”
GM: “You know they say you should never meet your heroes.”
Louis: “Let me get this straight, YOU’RE behind all of this?!”
Aslan: “Of course not. I’m all-powerful.”
Aslan: “I’ve just come to confront them.” (coughs twice)
Van Helsing: “Have you been smoking?!”
Alice: “Are you SURE you’re Aslan? I mean, there’s more than ONE golden lion in Narnia.”
GM: “He roars. Actually, you should make a Guts check, because he’s putting the FEAR OF GOD into you.”
“So you’re Aslan. That’s another big disappointment today, then!”
Player: “When he roared, obviously a lot of air would’ve exhaled. Did it smell like he’d been smoking and/or drinking?”
GM: “Yep.”
Player: “Both?”
GM: “Yep.”
Aslan: “Are you saying there’s something wrong with my heady … breathhhh …?”
Long John (struggling to breathe): “I’d say no, not if you’ve been licking your own balls and eating faecal matter. Sorry: ROTTEN faecal matter. Ahh man, that’s raw!”
Alice: “It’s very sad when girls grow up.”
Alice: “So Susan Pevensie! What do you have to say for yourself?”
Susan: “So it’s a crime to be interested in make-up now, is it? Hm?”
Louis: “Well, it’s a crime to start stealing statues and selling them off to other narratives.”
“First of all: were you working with Santa?”
Alice: “How did you move the statues, missy?”
Susan: “I had some help.”
Long John: “From whom? ANSWER, GIRL!”
Susan: “Well, obviously not from you.”
Long John: “Of course not! We’re Jurisfiction agents!”
Alice: “I think her accomplice is the gentleman we’ve already shot.”
Susan: “You shot Father Christmas?!”
Alice: “Technically HE shot Father Christmas, but yes!”
Long John: “Technically he wasn’t shot. He was apprehended. With force.”
Alice: “With a tranquiliser dart.”
Louis: “But right now I’m finding very few reasons not to do the same to you, missy.”
Long John: “Old man!”
Louis: “The name’s Louis Wu.”
Long John: “You named the dwarf after yourself? That’s a … Is your ego as large as your head?”
Louis: “Ironically, yes.”
Louis: “He asked for a name, so I gave him one.”
Aslan: “That’s what SHE said.”
Alice: “What who said?”
Alice: “Nor would I start have age-inappropriate feelings toward furry gentlemen!”
Carmilla: “That is VERY good.”
Alice: “Hm!”
Lucy: “I’ve not done anything! Our love is eternal!”
Alice: “Your love is quite irritating.”
Peter (clobbers his sword over Lucy’s head): “I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do that!”
Alice: “Is there anything YOU’d like to confess or are you just the one who isn’t a criminal?”
Peter: “I’m the fantastic Peter Pevensie. King Peter.”
Alice: “King Peter the Magnificent!”
Peter: “Aren’t I just?”
“You don’t shoot Aslan!”
Peter: “You’re a bit young for me, though. But you know, maybe in a few years, when you’re older.”
Alice: “I’m never going to get older. But perhaps you’d like to come and have tea with the Mad Hatter and the Dormouse?”
Peter: “… I’m kinda busy being a king, y’know?”
“Peter’s had enough and he’s about to have a date with Carmilla.”
GM: “Peter’s sauntering over to Carmilla, to kind of go ‘heeey’.”
Player: “And accidentally got in the way of the shot.”
GM: “Yeah, and falls to the ground, unconscious.”
Alice: “But Peter’s innocent!”
“How long before this scene is finished?”
Van Helsing (to Louis): “Is there anyone you HAVEN’T shot?”
“What have you done? We only shoot and apprehend guilty parties!”
Alice: “Lucy isn’t a lady, she’s a little troll!”
“We’re out of darts now.”
Carmilla: “A gentleman should definitely not hit a lady.”
Louis: “Even the vampire agrees with me!”
Van Helsing: “Finally SOMETHING we agree on!”
“So it’s all right to shoot ladies, but not to hit girls?”
“Yes.”
“I think you’re making these rules up as you go along!”
“So what you’re saying is: you prefer them young because they put up less of a struggle. Creepy!”
“And he’ll probably shoot them!”
Carmilla: “And you all thought I was creepy! That’s all sorted now!”
“Can I get some Generics and a clean-up crew in here? Before we lose the last shreds of our sanity.”
Long John: “With the damage you’ve done, I mean … she could technically dress up as Lucy; she could dress up as Susan; he could dress up as Peter – maybe; you’re already doing okay dressing up as Father Christmas. How the hell am I going to dress up as a lion?! With a wooden leg.”
Louis: “I’m sure we’ll find a way.”
Louis: “THE GUY WAS A WALKING POLLUTION FACTORY! The amount of cigars and beer on his breath would MURDER people! I’m not SURPRISED that people hate him! He’s a drunkard!”
Player: “There’s a poor little boy sat there reading the book, going ‘WHAT?!’”
GM: “Polly jumps up on his head, spreads out the wings and goes:”
Polly: “Look! I’m a mane! It could work. You’ve got the right smell.”
Long John: “I don’t like the fact you said I smelled like Aslan. I had a bath three years ago, when I fell in the sea.”
Louis: “It’s my first book! I haven’t learned anything yet!”
Van Helsing: “And it will be your last!”
“I know how to shoot people! It doesn’t mean I’m obsessed with it!”
“People know me as a bit crazy.”
“Eccentric.”
“No, crazy.”
“Gentlemen, please! They can hear you three chapters over!”
Long John: “I’ll pretend to be the lion!”
Van Helsing: “You smell like him.”
Polly: “Baaaaaaaath!”
Long John: “It was three years ago and I don’t smell that bad!”
Louis: “Yes you do.”
Long John: “I don’t notice.”
Polly: “He totally does.”
Long John: “Only because you shit on my shoulder!”
Polly: “I could be a mane. I’ve always wanted to be a mane.”
Long John: “Get yourself a deeper voice, Polly.”
“I broke the law but I didn’t break the toilet seat.”
Alice: “I’m not the one who shot half of the narrative.”
Louis: “You’re the one who allowed it, it’s your responsibility as the senior agent.”
“I thought that went well in the end. We shot the bad guys.”
“It went well until you started shooting everyone.”
“Hey! I was containing all suspects!”
“You were just missing people, let’s be blunt.”
“Alright, the second shot was a miss, but third and fourth were perfect dead on.”
Next week, we should be back to normal again. See you then!
