Squish me now, it can't get any better

Courtesy of the last night's 1st Edition Deadlands adventure at Chimera. The final showdown between our little posse at the mad scientist symposium and a massive titan behemoth.

(After another player cracked a bad pun)
“Ignore him, he might go away.”

”You’ve let me sleep. That was a bad idea.”

“You got another legend chip, didn’t you?”
“God loves me … is all I can say.”

(Another player complained about reading Game of Thrones and picturing someone a character, to which the group’s only female duly responded:)
“Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with having Sean Bean in your head.”

“Odin’s alive?!” (why Brian Blessed should have been cast in Thor)

“Brian Blessed doesn’t need to climb a mountain. He just stands next to it and takes a step to the side.”

“Oh god, imagine Brian Blessed and Mr. T trying to out-ham each other.”
“I’d see that film. Even if it was called ‘Two Beardy Shouty Men’, I’d still go and see it.”

“I don’t think you want to google ‘little boy android’ unless you want to be put on a list.”

(At the end a long time trying to figure out which other movie one of the actors from Neverending Story had been in)
“That’s it! That’s the film!”
“What’s it called?”
“I don’t know!”
“But it’s him, he’s in that one.”
“What? I was talking about the GIRL!”

“Has anyone seen Neverending Story 3?”
“No, I needed to gouge my eyes out after #2.”

Player: “Whose is this bag?” (indicating big bag in front of him)
Rest of the group: “It’s not yours?”

“I have melted all these figurines to make a codpiece of plastic.”

“Who’d win in a fight: Ultron or Amazo?”
“Dude, that’s not even funny.”

GM doing ‘Previously on Deadlands’: “Oh look, a titan behemoth. Oh look, it’s gonna kill everyone. Oh look, all the mad scientists are running to the door, AAAAHH!!” (Pause) “That’s where we were. Continue.”

Player: “I take cover!”
GM: “Okay, you are behind heavy cover.”
Player: “…It’s not the behemoth, is it?”

“Does the Bodyguard spell summon Kevin Costner to protect you?”
“I wish it did.”

GM: “You also hear the words ‘clockwork’, ‘behemoth’ and ‘we’re all gonna die’.”

“Welcome to the City of Lost Angels. This is the crater where the Symposium used to be.”
“We don’t go down there much. Makes people all glowy.”

“I do have Throwing: Elixir, so I can mix them up.”
“Like Tom Cruise in Cocktail.”

“You’re worse than a walking time bomb.”

“Cartoon moment: building disappears and there’s just a guy there on the loo.”

“It’s not the lead; it’s how you use it!”

“This guy needs to stop the mad science and get laid once in a while.”

“You’re putting radioactive goo in the bazooka?”

“Your Ace. I’m not saying you’re ace, just … here’s your Ace.”

“As it pops off, does it crush any mad scientists, crotch guy in particular?”

“Hey guys, I’ve actually used chips! This is a new and exciting experience.”

“Squish me now, it can’t get any better.”

GM: “It’s gonna take you both rounds to ready the bazooka.”
Player: “Aww, spoilsport.” (Pause) “Can I just do it slap dash and hope it’s pointing in the right direction?”

“He’s got balls but he doesn’t have balls.”
“I think his balls are officially sand.”

“To be honest, I think the world can live without the inventor of the crotch cannon.”
“It’s not a world I want to live in.”

“Goodbye, crotch man. We loved you well.”

GM (explaining how the crotch cannon works): “It’s from stance.”
Player 1: “Can we LARP it?”
Player 2: “Worst. Weapon. Ever.”

“Artillery comes under Cognition.”
“OH NO! I’ve killed us all!”
“You’ll be lucky if you hit the Symposium.”
“I can’t even see it!”

“Well, you’ve hit something. Bad news, it’s us.”

“Yeah! Projectile crotch dude!”

(How he has Bailey’s potion to thank for his quick moves)
Huckster: “…And it’s made me throw lightning!”
Player: “Good cover, though.”

“Oh god, I think he’s got religion! It spreads in these places.”

“It burns for … one round.”
“Roll better!”

Player 1: “What IS happening, chemistry-wise?”
Player 2: “Thermite!”
GM: “An endothermic and exothermic reaction, both at once.”
Player 3 (to P1): “Let me get this one, GM … WIBBLY WOBBLY CHEMISTRY STUFF!”

“He disappeared.”
“Hey, isn’t that what happened in the Exalted game? When someone went to Spain for a number of weeks?”

“Hellstromme’s never heard my name and I’ve never been happier about that.”

Huckster: “Sorry!” (after botching Black Lightning and blowing up a mad scientist in the process)

(if the game was a TV series)
“This show has to be on HBO.”
“After nine o’clock.”

Alchemist: “I’ve been havin’ some real luck with solvents recently.”

“Your perfect looks are ruined forever.”
“Who said I had good looks to begin with?”
“He’s Cajun, after all.”

“Here’s my monster diagram.”
“That’s an EPIC diagram … of Monet proportions?”

“It has rocket legs? I’m worried now.”

“You fumbled AGAIN?!”
“I fumbled with Black Lightning on 5 D12.”

(When told all the tables blow up, including the one he was standing on)
“Can I get some last words?”

“Can I do this in character?” (back-flip off a table)
“If he does it in character, I’ll be really impressed.”

Gunslinger: “Load the bazooka and hand it to Sam.”
GM: “It will take three actions.”
Gunslinger: “Screw that! Throw it to Sam and go for a whiskey!”

“Sir, why is there a wardrobe in the hallway?”
“Nothing to with me, it was like that when I found it. This hotel is a disgrace!”

(When a girl in the store draped herself over him)
“This is my body armour. Fire away.”

“So you’re a short-sighted old geezer?”
“Who has a habit of killing people.”

“It IS the Terminator, isn’t it?”

“This week, we’re doing chemistry.”

“Did he kill it?”
“I finish moving the wardrobe!”

“I thought it was going to turn into something else there for a while.”
“Transformers! Clockworks in disguise!”

“So all we’ve done is to fire a crotch guy at it?”

“You do realise you’re giving him the keys to an incredibly fucked-up world?”

“From where I’m sitting, does the crowd look like zombies?”

“If he doesn’t pay you, I’ll just kill him. Planned to do it anyway.”

“The reward for winning the Symposium will be bigger than anything that Bailey could ever pay you.”
“But it’s still money!”

Alchemist: “HOW much?”
GM: “$5000.”
Alchemist: “Say again?”
GM: “$5000.”
Alchemist: “Just one more time?”
GM: “I’ll let Reynard say it.”
Huckster: “$5000.”

“I just converted the five into a dollar sign. Sweeeet money.”

“What’s with the English accent? Have you turned evil?”

“I love the idea of three months passing and then someone moves the wardrobe.”

GM: “I give you 1 XP for being the first character to lose a limb.”

When we finished, it was half nine, so the encounter had taken pretty much all night. We did have half an hour to spare, though, so we started prepping for the next adventure in Changeling: The Dreaming so we can dive straight into it next week. So here goes the totally new madness:

Player 1 (singing): “ ‘I am the very model of a modern major seelie Troll, I’ve spent all summer hunting things chimerical.’ – You’re composing now, right?”
Player 2: “I need to remember the name of my character!”

“So you want to work on his stick, then?”

“We don’t kill everything we see in this game.”

GM: “There are different types of chimera. – Cor, getting technical isn’t it?”

GM: “I don’t want everyone sitting around doing 42 rolls.”
Player: “Aww, why not?

“I may not be smart, but I’m cunning!”

“I just realised that I’m slowly turning into Sam Vimes.”

“If I botch, I’m fully prepared to take a punch to the face.”
“No, that would be police brutality.”

“I’ve arrived in town and now YOU’RE part of the madness.”

“You’ve made a sword in eight days? Make me a car!”

“…And then destroy Amy.”
“The duke’s daughter.”
“The duke’s daughter? – Oh yeah, the duke’s daughter. I forgot.”

“All the commoners are having fun and all the nobles are just full of angst.”
“Mmmm. Angst.”

“Let’s not call it ‘Jack’s Magic Playground’. It sounds like a place where children get abused.”

“It’s not ‘woll’ as in ‘wool’, it’s ‘woll’ as in ‘woll.”
(Wollaton. It’s a special place.)

(After writing down everyone else’s character names)
“…What’s MY name?”
“Well done.” (pats shoulder)

And also:

“If no one else has seen this film, can I get away with running it?”

“The ultimate is if a group has never seen Star Wars:
‘Darth Vader? Cool name.’
‘Wait, he’s my FATHER? How did THAT happen?!’
‘This is great, when did you think of all this?’
‘Last Thursday.’ ”