“If they don’t turn up for the session, hunt them down and shoot them.”
(Watching another player drawing a Legend chip from the bag, adding to the one he already had)
“I HATE YOU!”
“Was Liam Neeson in it? Just seeing how this is relevant.”
“So what was YOUR conversation about?”
“Let’s not go there.”
“If you want to create an entirely new universe, lock Stephen Hawking and Angus MacGyver in a room together.”
(After spending a long time talking about very non-gamey stuff)
“I haven’t figured out why we haven’t finished this adventure yet.”
(After a long discussion over who should have won last night’s snooker final)
“Wow, a sports conversation I actually understood! And could participate in!”
Player: “It could be worse: it could be Mojave rattlers.”
GM (gasping): “Have you READ the adventure?!”
“And anyway, back to snooker!”
“Louisiana: we DEFINE omnivore.”
“Remind me again why I’m hanging out with you?”
“Because I owe you money.”
“Oh yeah, where is that?”
“It’s there, in grey and white.” (holds up pencil-written paper)
(Hiding in a crate to avoid another player’s Black Lightning hex)
“Just tell me when you’re done!”
“You’ll know.”
(Sudden epiphany) “We’re like the two old guys from the Muppets!”
“I stop, briefly, and consider if the ants look edible.”
“They’re completely mechanical.”
“That doesn’t stop me.”
“Did I just drink your water? Sorry dude.”
“That’s okay.”
“If it’ll make you feel better, I don’t have a horrible mouth disease.”
“That DOES make me feel better.”
“That you know of.”
(Player runs off to another table to answer a question, then runs back, ecstatic)
“Guys! I was useful!”
“If Tom has one apple and Sarah has three apples …”
“Children today don’t have apples.”
“Yes they do. They have iPhones.”
“There once was a man who … duh duh duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh duh, the answer’s not six, I promise.”
“So more of an abandoned limerick than a riddle.”
“Why do alligators build lighthouses? Because the penguins haven’t learned to fly yet.” (tumbleweed moment) “That was the joke.”
“That makes a surprising amount of sense.”
“What’s the time, Mr. Punch?”
“It’s clobberin’ time!”
GM: “You’re like the NPC when I was trying to give Gunney a heart attack.”
“We’re. Not. LARPing!” (moments later, a few seconds of hilarious LARPing ensued.)
“We’ll start hobbling forward in a threesome.”
“Is he wearing a black top hat? Has he grown a moustache in-between scenes? Is he twirling that moustache?”
“Am I gonna get killed by Yul Brynner?”
(Sees picture of robot we’re currently fighting) “It’s a Cylon. We’re getting killed by a tin-bucket Cylon!”
“Being attacked by Gunney is like being attacked by moss.”
“Eventually, he’ll get you.”
“Just the concept of me rolling is hilarious.”
“No no, I want to cripple the genious.”
“Geriatric gunslinger kills innocent bystander … probably.”
“Sam, there’s a thing I’ve always wanted to tell you. Where the hell is my money?! Because if you die …!”
“Can you make me a Mad Science roll?”
“Can I?!” (Rolls) “No, I can’t. A theoretical five.”
“Mechanical ants or mechanical angst?”
“Both.”
“Do you know what you’ve achieved? NAPALM DEATH!”
“I take my exterminations seriously.”
“Dynamite! That’s where I’ve been going wrong.”
“No napalm, no quicklime! I have standards, man!”
(After some serious spellcasting)
“I have to recharge.”
“You COULD try shooting your pistol.”
“You’ve got a straight. You just have to be conscious.”
“He has arching Black Lightning around him and is about to take out one single ant.”
“And you wonder why the mad scientists were on top of the train, shooting buffalo … with experimental weapons.”
“Did we just kill the bad guys or were the past two hours just a pointless aside?”
“And the next thing that happens is …” (starts applauding)
“Only a mad scientist would do that. A huckster would go ‘fucking hell!’ A mad scientist will go (applauds) ‘well done, I say!’ ”
“I shoot him in the head! I call dibs on his equipment.”
“So just to be clear: he was the bad guy, right?”
“Oh, this is the one I put the jalapeño in. It has a bit of a kick.”
“You just cajuned Gunney!”
“I’m allergic to anything Cajun. I come out in hives.”
“Is Harrison dead?”
“No, it’s just a flesh wound.”
“I’m a crooked son of a bitch, but at least I know it.”
“Well, at least you’re honest … not really.”
“You could have a foot that sprays goo!”
“I COULD make an acid-spraying implement.”
“Should I try once more?”
“And THAT’S how they get you.”
“I want you to know that ‘Not good with robots’ is not a Hindrance, it’s just a reminder.” (referring to note on character sheet)
(When the GM was tempting Huckster to continue trying his spellcasting)
“He’s Mephistopheles!”
“Faust: The Roleplaying Game.”
“Son, you’re like a crab stuck in gumbo.”
“Okay, I’ll leave it there.”
GM: “About five hours later, you come around. You’re lying on a bread. Bread? Bed.”
Huckster: “I’m from the North.”
Reporter: “I’m from abroad.”
GM: “Yeah, you’re originally from England, but you’ve spent a lot of time in the North.”
Reporter: (Glare) “I’m NOT from England.”
GM: “Okay, Ireland. Same thing”
Reporter: (Glare)
“I think we’ve just hit a new low: trying to sell another party member’s severed leg.”
“You all right, Slick?”
“I’m a bad, bad man.”
“I think I need to repent a little, so I’ll help the guy.”
“My level of wound knowledge is ‘don’t put your finger in it and waggle it around’.”
“What do you get for referring to an invisible TV?”
“Delusional.”
GM: “Everyone puts a little of themselves into their characters. What does that say about the GM?”
Party: “Schizophrenia.”
“Wait, this train is now running on corpse?”
“Hah! That’s not smoke, it’s ash!”
“When you said that thing about the cave, I thought of I R Baboon and thought ‘but I’ve not pitted you against him?!’ ”
“I didn’t know you could get Korean mutant haggis in Korea?”
“Wait, I know how to finish this. Are we there yet?”
We were, as it happened. We reached the train's final destination, where there's a big mad science convention thingamajig. As soon as we defeat the massive Titan Behemoth thingy with the cunning use of mad science devices, gunfire and dynamite ... we'll switch universes completely.
And finally, a post script from when we got home:
“You know what the craziest thing about tonight is?”
“No.”
“The fact that no one even mentioned Osama bin Laden.”
Stay tuned for more madness next week, when we may or may not finally start the next Changeling: The Dreaming adventure. Perhaps. Defeating a big killing machine might take all night if we keep stalling again for fear of dying ...
