It’s just another vorpal Monday!

We’re still in Mansfield and … well, we had a rummage through a scary-looking house, Finn drank beer, we found a magic circle and a knife, helped ourselves to some of the books, Alysiana had traumatic flashbacks and later found someone who called her Alice and who claimed to know her. And then the police showed up …

Meanwhile, we’ve also sung The Hero of Canton with the next table (again), had a “how many wasabi peanuts can you eat at the same time?” challenges, reached new lows of taste and decency and discovered how much Twiglets look like poo. Sorry for the delay. Hopefully we can make up for it by this being a really long post!

Courtesy of Tuesday 5 July 2011’s 2nd Edition Changeling: The Dreaming adventure at Chimera.

“How are you?”
“Good today.”
“That’s a fair assumption.”

(How awful the day before was)
“Vorpal Monday +5.”
“Vorpal Monday! Slash!”
“Possibly, since I self-medicated with Alice Madness Returns, so there was vorpal blading involved.”

(singing) “It’s just another vorpal Monday!”

“I’ve a terrible memory anyway.”
“You’re the GM!”

“They don’t taste like Twiglets normally do.”
“I wouldn’t know what Twiglets normally taste like, because I’ve never had any.”

“I’m a weird phenomenon because I don’t love or hate Marmite, I think it’s okay.”
“I’m with you.”
“There’s ANOTHER!”

“Couples who have violently opposed views of Marmite tend to get on better than couples who happen to have a similar view of Marmite.”
“We’re doomed!”

“I’ve always found it a weird phenomenon that whenever I hear that word I get ‘do-doo-dee-doo-doo’ in my head.”

Player: “Is this going to be finished today or is it likely to be one more session?”
GM (exasperated laugh): “Can’t predict you lot! It’d be easier to forecast the weather one year in advance!”

“We ARE predictable, just in unusual ways.”

GM: “I know what you’re going to do; it’s just nothing to do with the adventure.”
Player 1: “You CAN predict what we’re going to do: shag, drink, build … potion-mix … frown.”
Player 2: “Hit an old lady.”
Player 3: “Hey! She came at me with a knife!”
Player 4: “Well, you SAY that …”
Player 5: “It’s what you tell internal affairs.”

“If this was a TV series, we’d be in more trouble than True Blood.”

“Move them! I don’t really like those, but I’m eating them. I think someone who likes them should eat them.”

“Twiglets are like crispbreads, only … round.”

“Are we gonna get a one-shot done in a one-shot given crew we’ve got?”

“They’re calling it ‘Erection in Hyde Park’ just to embarrass them.”

“It’s interesting how the tone of an evening changes if you introduce katanas.”

“Aahh, stuff happened!”
“You pressed it! You shouldn’t have pressed it!”

“Is this an internet?!”

Player 1: “You’re not my real mother!”
Player 2: “Well, I should hope not!”
Player 3: “I didn’t even know you had a womb.”
Player 4: “Well, he always was a tight squeeze.”
Player 2: “Look, I don’t remember that entire period of my life, so it’s entirely possible.”
Player 1: “Oh god, babies coming out of my penis.”
Player 2: “Not again!”
Player 4: “Sir, do you think you might be a woman?”

“Screw you, you cracker-eatin’ skank!”

Set: “I spend too much of my time at the police shooting range.”
Finn: “I spend too much of my time in the police cells. It’s how we got to know each other!”
Jack: “I spend too much of my money bailing out Finn.”
Finn: “But on the bright side, I paid you back in drugs.”
Jack: “That’s not how it … oh, never mind.”
Finn: “On the bright side, you like me!”

Player 1: “Yeah, when you don’t smell of … sewers.”
Player 2: “Solids.”
Player 3: “All of this talk is making me feel like eating Twiglets!”

“The important thing is that I haven’t slept with anyone in this adventure yet. There’s still time. Let’s go talk with her.”

(to Alysiana) “Yeah, but you can be snooty; Finn can’t.”

“Look, we’re going to see an antiques dealer and we’re exposing her to Finn first?”

“But you SAY that you’re one for the fine arts …”
“I’ll have you know I know the difference between surrealism and post-modern technicalism, because I was the only one who bothered to do any studying!”
“Is that like neo-nazism?”
“I have a point of Art Appreciation too, thank you very much.”
“Yeah but this lady specialises in serial kill-ism.”
“Yeah, well, I’ll have you know that I’m very good at buying shady things, so as a team, we’re fricken’ perfect.”
“I know, I’ve seen your record.”

“He almost has the symbol of the Deathly Hallows, except it’s the symbol of Talisman. I can’t help but see Harry Potter things.”

“He DID nearly get arrested for attempted cannibalism once, though.”

“It’s out of order.”
“You’re not down with the kids: it’s WELL out of order!”

“I think this is probably why Set’s Fae nature … It’s just … the imagination to provide a competent policeman in the Nottingham area.”
“That IS pure fantasy.”

“Now I feel like I’m not paranoid enough and that I should be heavily armoured in some way.” (after finding out most of the other party members have a variety of ornamental swords at home)

Player 1: “Okay, what’s been happening?”
Player 2: “We haven’t actually started yet.”
Player 3: “I think somebody had.”
Player 2: “Really?! There’s plot?!”

“No, we were going massively off-topic. That’s not the same as Fae characters doing it.”

“You can tell when player characters are going off topic, because this is my voice.”

Player 1: “Is this the kitchen?”
GM: “It is.”
Player 2: “How many pigs?”
Player 3: “Does it have a pantry?”
Player 1: “If I end up pigalysed in this place, I’m going to be very upset.”
Player 2: “Are there ham hocks on the walls?”
GM: “Zero pigs, no pantry and no body parts.”
Player 3: “That’s even more creepy.”

Player 1: “Three successes! What’s the precise level of illegality if we enter?
GM: “About 4.2.”
Player 2: “On the Richter scale of illegality.”
GM: “Well, it’s like a 0.3 on the illegality scale. You could reasonably say you’re concerned.”

Finn: “If we could find a bicycle then I could be drunk in charge of a bicycle instead! Which would be in better cop.”
Set: “WE ARE NOT IN ANY WAY ruining this house as we go through it.”

“We might have squatters.”
“Very conscientious squatters at that.”

“What? What are you talking about?”
“Many random things. Moving on!”
“I’m confused.”
“Did anybody else just … ‘what?!

“I don’t think we’re gonna get through this adventure tonight.”
“Whatever gave you that idea?”
“Or indeed next week.”
“Or the week after that.”
“In three week’s time we’ve exited the kitchen.”

“Do they have toast? Is there a toaster? Can we make toast?”
“Is there bread? Yes.”
“Do they have beans?”
“Can I roll to find the bread? Suddenly I’m back in nightmare again.”

“I’m going to thoroughly investigate this beer while trekking around the rest of the house.”

“Only your character would need to make a roll to operate the toaster.”

“We’re looking for someone politely.”

“The omens have spoken! Omens whiskey. Give it a go.”

“Incognito! He’s the most powerful super ever!”
“He’ll bring pizza or something!”

“Don’t listen to him! Don’t get drawn into our world!”

“Never play drunk.”

Player 1:“Drunk, the role-play game. That’s a game we need to invent. 6D6 Drunk!”
Player 2: “Alcoholic: The Drinking.”
Player 3: “I’ve got it! Shot D6.”
Player 1: “Followed swiftly by Detox: The Regrettening.”
Player 2: “Detox: The Regret!”
Player 3: “Yeah! Don’t you get it? It’s awesome!”
Player 1: “The game revolves around you not even knowing your character’s name, and the more and more you detox, with your detox humanity score, the more and more you reveal about your character’s past. And then regret it. ‘Shit! I’m married!’ I’m running this game!”

Player 1: “You won’t believe the market for toddler transplants. You take some of your organs out that don’t work very well and staple a toddler there instead, and it takes care of your needs.”
Players 2 & 3: “WRONG!!”
Player 1: “You keep finding ways to lower my bar.”
Player 4: “Don’t write that down! We’ll get sued!”
Player 3: “It’s got an 18 rating already!”
Player 1: “No, no, don’t take that down! It must never be heard again!”
Player 2: “Are you 18 and in service to Satan? ‘Cause if not, you should really turn back now.”

Player 1: “We enter the next room.”
GM: “Oh yeah, the game.”
Player 2: “Game Master: The Distraction.”

Finn: “Seeing as someone else doesn’t want to, MOVE FORWARD!”
Set: “Hey, no one said no one else was WANTING to.”
Finn: “It’s just that no one wants to get a boxing glove in the face or something?”
Set: “Yeah, I’m following you on investimagation-ma-ging-iging.”
Alysiana: “Are you sure you’re not just following him to make sure he doesn’t break any more laws?”
Set: “That too.”
Finn: “And possibly to provide CPR.”
Set: “Possibly.”
Finn: “ ‘Cause we’re gonna walk into an episode of Saw here.”
Flora: “Again.”
Finn: “Again.”

Jack: “Does that mean it’s gonna be an old lady, which means Set can hit her?”
Set: “SHUT UP!”
Jack: “So if it’s a young lady, Finn sleeps with her. If it’s an old lady, Set hits her?”
Set: “SHUT UP!”

Finn: “So then I rescue her.”
Set: “And THEN seduce her.”
Finn: “No, woo. If it’s a little girl, we invite her to set fire to things. Or set her up with Jack, depending on how young she is.”

“At least it’s better than YOUR tactics – standing outside and mope!”

“No, no! I said DON’T write that down! I can see the state of the toddler-stapling! Remove it!”
“The comment will be ‘don’t write that down. No, I said DON’T write that down! Stop! Stop writing that down’!”

“Radioactive barf zombies I don’t mind, stapling toddlers is a bit too far!” (rest of the party are in increasing laughter paroxysms) “…I’m just fuelling this stuff now, aren’t I?”
“Yes, yes you are!”
“Damn it.”

“If the mountain won’t come to Mohammed … throw the tea towel on the minotaur.”

“I’m going to start on the carpet, just in case there a corpse inside it.”

“Squatters Weekly.”
“Squatters Weekly?”
“Squatters Weekly.”

Player 1: “24 hour raves are nice until it’s like six in the morning and you go, ‘I’m buying booze, what am I doing?’”
Player 2: “On the fourth day.”
Player 3: “And on the fourth day, the squats holding the rave could see that it was good, but was throwing up slightly.”

“How many doors are those around me?”
“Well, Carol, let’s see what’s behind door number three!”

“Go to the nearest one and peek cautiously.”
“It’s a rabid badger!! Possibly.”

Set: “I’m going to cautiously make my way over to what I assume is another door and open it, not passing over the circle in any way shape or form.”
GM: “…Because you’re roleplayers. It’s a bit like ‘it’s a statue! It’s gonna animate!’”
Player 1: “And that shows he’s a very kind GM. ‘Cause an EVIL GM, unless you explicitly say otherwise, would assume you are.”
Player 2: “A roleplayer opens the door. Experienced roleplayer checks the door for traps. A REALLY experienced roleplayer goes, ‘GM won’t kill us; we’ll open the door anyway’.”

Set: “Finn! You remember your time with the Grateful Dead?”
Finn: “A little bit. Mostly drug-orientated. Why?”

Set: “That’s how he got all his occult knowledge.”
Finn: “That, and a little bit of a tour with Sisters of Mercy.”

“Okay, walk over to the library, NOT stepping on the tiles. Do you want a DEX check?”
“No. Of course you’re not going to step on the circle.”
“I’m still roleplaying as daredevil.”
“It’s with the invisible skills on your character sheet; Avoid Stepping on Magical Circle.”

Finn: “What’s in the library?”
GM: “Lots and lots of books.”
Player: “Carol Vorderman!”
Finn: “Forget that! Are there comics?”

“You find a series of letters, hundreds of letters, between someone called Kaddapolix and someone called Milcaris.”
“The first one, is that a Gaul?”

Set: “Right. Pocket matches. I like how I’m actually talking in adventure game text now. Walk to Finn.”
Finn: “Go left!”
Set: “Speak to Finn.”
Finn: “I can’t go left! Go right! Hit gnome with book!”
Player: “Gnome is not an understood word.”
Finn: “DANG IT! I waste some time.”
Set: “You waste exactly half an hour on this frivolity.”

“Word is not a known word.”

“Is this you?”
“Yeah, I’m the pointy one.”

Flora: “There’s nothing on my character sheet that says I can’t do it. I can’t turn someone in need down, and obviously, these books need me.”

Set: “I can’t get past the stair blockage carrying her, can I? She’s not an old woman. No!!”
Player 1: “HAH! You just accused yourself!”
Player 2: “High five!”
Set: “I’m taking my dice and I’m going home!”

“I think the ferret just tried to bang him.”
“Given that this campaign is DEFINED by rodents of all sorts trying to fuck me one way or the other!”

“That was a failure. Well, just a room!”

“How scary is this chimera on the scale of My Little Ponies to Hitchcock?”
“You really want a scale?”

“On a Lovecraft scale, 6.5.”

“Your wounds have been bound.”

Set: “Double botch!”
GM: “There’s NOTHING in this room, NOTHING at all!”
Player: “That hairbrush is a … deadly clue!”
Set: “Leave the room that obviously has nothing of any importance.”
GM: “Nothing pivotal to the adventure at all!”

“Did she succeed?”
“It’s girl on girl action.”
“Don’t say that again.”

“Anger leads to hate, hate leads to the Dark Side, and leading into the Dark Side seems to complete the adventure, so let’s roll with it.”
“Darth Sobriety.”
“SOBRIETY leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to the Dark Side and completes the adventure.”

“It doesn’t say ‘dead bondage’?”

“Like a ghost, but a servant ghost.”
“That wouldn’t be very practical now, would it? They can’t pick anything up.”

“Open the door and it’s a slaughterhouse.”
“Aww, not another one!”

Flora: “Finn wanted me to ask you to look up ghost bondage or something?”
Jack: “Have you been to one of those parties again?”

Flora: “You did want him to look up bondage rituals with ghosts, didn’t you?”
Finn: “Not bondage rituals with ghosts; GHOST BINDING! Not kinky ghost sex!”

“She’s fiddling with magic rituals.”

“That photo you just sent me … why is Alysiana in the circle? I wouldn’t normally recommend that.”

“Ghost binding! Here, book! Apparently, my complete fear and anger has reduced me to Tarzan language. Here book, take book, read book! Run Spot, run!”
“Run Spot, run! Great work literature!”

“This is the magic equivalent of rocket surgery. Rocket SCIENCE!”

“I know it is; I’m being smug.”

Alysiana: “I think I know who gave the book to … what psycho did this.”
Set: “Was it me?”
Alysiana: “No.”
Finn: “It was you, wasn’t it?”

“Is it a toilet showing any signs of evil or dark rituals?”

“There’s no kids around any more, so I can actually say this: I’m going to investigate the shit out of this toilet.”

Jack: “Alysiana’s associated with us in the Duke’s eyes.”
Set: “But not in HER eyes.”
Jack: “No, but the Duke’s eyes are more important.

GM: “You sense some magic coming from one of the carpets.”
Set: “Take carpet. Roll out.”
Player: “It’s Weave World! Run!”

“Wonderful. I’ve found a magic carpet.”

“Some REAL knights! People I don’t know!”

“I’m not trusting an empty room – investigate!”

“Botch number three!”

“I could only get three wasabi peanuts in my mouth at once.”
“Only three?”
“Sounds like a challenge!”

“Don’t lick your fingers, it’s like snorting fag ash!”

“Do you need a drink after that?”
“He’s changing colour! It’s like watching Violet Beauregard!”
“Wasabi overdose, don’t worry.”

“He’s nearly died eating them – do you want some?”

“This is an out of game game.”

“I shall try five. I managed four successfully.”
“I’m going for six!”
“She’s not even changing colour, X!”
“She is! Look at her face!”
“SLIGHTLY! You actually changed colour! It was fascinating.”

“I hate to be the one to say this, but could we get back to the plot, please?”

“I’m tempted, but I can hardly handle Kormas, so …”

“They are there to be eaten, not to be hidden.”

Player 1: “It’s not a competition anyway.”
Player 2: “Yes it is!”
Player 3: “Besides, you have to eat nine to beat me.”

“Call the history books, X has conceded.”

“He’s singing your song, Finn.”
“ ‘He’s half barmy, so’s his army, Hitler is a jerk? Whistle while you work.’ ”
“No, It’s A Long Way To Tipperary.”
“Oh right. What?”

“If we knew the words, this would go REALLY well.”

Player 1: “You should do Inara, I’ll do Kaylee.”
Player 2: “I BET you would!”
Player 3: “Guys, guys! You’re ruining several of my personal fantasies!”

Player 1: “I’ll dress up as Inara.”
Player 2: “Eww.”
Player 1: “Why did that get more disgusted reaction?”
Player 3: “Because my brain was trying to figure it out. I was trying to work out if I would be turned on or horrified.”

“Yeah, I can’t bring it every week.”

Flora: “Yay looting!”
GM: “I never thought I’d hear Flora say that.”

“To make it easier for you to smash it, I’ll draw an old woman on the ground.”
“I’m not doing this now!”

“He’s in cahoots, isn’t he? I’ll kick his nads in!”
“Is he an old person?”
“Is he dressed like a woman?”

“When did womanising happen?”

“The road to hell is paved with old women’s faces!”

Set: “Both of them attacked ME! I was not the instigator in either incident!”
Finn: “That’s what I told YOU last Saturday night, but you still locked me up!”
Set: “…What?”
Finn: “Was that you? There might be another Troll on the force. I was on a lot of absinthe.”

“Can I actually walk behind him and say, ‘Finn, this is not a clue’?”

“Well, Brown … that’s going to make searching wonderfully easy. How many people could there be with THAT name in the area.”

Set: “Put the money back.”
Finn: “Why?”
Set: “Because it’s all going to evidence.”
Finn: “Okay. Put it back.”
Player 1: “Why can’t this man commit all crimes? ‘You murdered that woman. – Alright.’”
Player 2: “ ‘Yeah, the knife’s in the sink!’ ”
Player 3: “ ‘No no no, the OTHER sink!’ ”
Player 2: “ ‘At least you don’t know about the other ones buried in the garden.’ ”
Player 1: “ ‘And if you’re after a scalp, I sowed it to me thigh!’ ”

“Who am I to fathom the mind of a serial killer?”
“Who ARE you … mmmh?”

“Unlike you, I can walk and read at the same time.”

“Daddy, I can see the internet! All of it! What’s that woman doing? Aaaahh!!”

“Just in case, watch Poltergeist. ‘Cause that’s a guidebook.”
“Never buy him a tricycle.”
“Never buy him a tricycle and go to a hotel.”
“Or a clown.”
“And never have a balcony.”

Player 1: “Basically, wrap your child in cotton wool and don’t let him out until he’s 18.”
Player 2: “No no no, it’s a bubble.”
Player 1: “Okay, a bubble of cotton wool.”
Player 3: “By the way, when he says wrap the child in cotton wool, I don’t he includes the mouth and nose.”
Player 1: “Oh, I do! Otherwise germs could get in!”
Player 2: “Why is there a skeleton in here?”
Player 1: “He can breathe through cotton wool!”
Player 2: “What’s that smell?”
Player 3: “He’s 18, open up the … (makes puking noise)”
Player 4: “Oh, so THAT’S why you’ve been quiet these past 15 years.”
Player 5: “…Aaaand we’ve broken the taste barrier.”
Player 3: “I don’t think we’ve broken the taste barrier, I think we’ve just carried on driving RIGHT through it and didn’t even notice it.”
Player 1: “It was like, ‘oh god, these guys are coming; come on, just raise it, we don’t want it broken again’.”
Player 5: “We drove a stream roller through it last week.”

“I just tried to set him on fire, I never got his name.”

“So his surname is Valdemar?”
“Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t … Maybe his mortal name is Brown.”
“It isn’t, though, it’s ‘Revolver Ozelot’.”

“She knows! Brainalyse her!”

“…For a lot of people in noddy suits.”
“Noddy suits? Oh right. I had flashbacks to my childhood. I thought you meant Noddy.”
“Why are the policemen dressed as Noddy? Run away!”
“Oh god, it’s PC Plod, we’re in for it now!”

“He’ll be showing up with Jack in a van suit.”
“You’re in a shit storm now, Troll boy!”
“I’ve been in a shit storm ever since I met you people!”

“Make a shoplifting roll, difficulty 10.”

“We had a serious session. That’s like … one in a row now?”

While you’re waiting for the next post, you can interact with us on Faebook: S#!t Roleplayers Say.

This week, we won’t have a Changeling session, as the GM and one of the players is away, but don’t fret, we have a bunch of quotes up our sleeves from previous sessions …