Inquistor Valek to Commander Urien: Regarding my investigations on Ixion V. As you know, the dissapearance of Lord Midel has been most troubling. I have found out that [Comments Redacted] as you can see, the situation is most troubling. I am requesting your assisstance in this matter. As you are responsible for this sector, I defer to your experience, but would suggest that the situation may need more support.
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Commander Urien to Inquitor Valek: I will see to it. Inform me of what you need. Praise the Emperor.
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Inquistor Valek to Commander Urien: Praise the Emperor indeed. I need a team of marines. Quickly. Due to the anaomlies around Ixion V, I may not be able to communicate again soon. And Things have gotten worse since my last post. I have reviewed a list of names of battle-brothers I think would be suitable.
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Commander Urien to Inquistor Valek: These Astartes are very specific. I hope to the Emperor that you know what you are doing, Valek.
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Inquistor Valek to Commander Urien: Time is wasting Urien! I need those brothers. If you can see why I picked them, then you should know to send them! I'm proceeding to [Message terminated]
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Commander Urien to Inqusitor Valek: Do Not Presume to Speak to Me That Way, Inquistor. I will Send Them When I deem it fit
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Commander Urien to Inqusitor Valek: Valek?
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Commander Urien to Inqusitor Valek: I am Dispatching the Brothers
Courtesy of Tuesday 21 February 2012’s Warhammer 40k: Deathwatch adventure at Chimera.
Player 1: “He is literally by-the-book.”
Player 2: “A boy scout.”
Player 3: “A nine to ten feet tall murderous boy scout.”
Player 1: “And the book is Mein Kampf.”
“You get his demeanour by taking the largest stick you can find and RAMMING IT UP YOUR JAXIE.”
“True Grit: You’re all played by John Wayne.”
“Jeff Bridges!”
“We’ll achieve scrota no matter what!”
“Even though we haven’t got any; we’re like Action Man!”
“It’s been less than an hour and he’s already reduced to despair.”
“What about the Primarch’s Curse? It’s kind of important.”
“Does it involve child labour at all?”
“No, that’s Primark.”
GM (to Viturus): “You HAVE to go along with the rest of the team.”
Player: “YES! Can we give him that in EVERY game?”
GM: “You’re handed a briefing.”
Player 1: “A data slate?”
Player 2: (takes out a Kindle)
Player 3: “Show-off.”
“I put my helmet on, as to disguise myself … as a Space Marine.”
“Little did we know the Emperor is actually really a big Care Bear, with the Astronomicon as a giant beam of light.”
Care Bear: “I really love the orcs!”
Emperor: “That’s why we let you through the warp.”
“Well, Inquisitors are moody gits.”
Player 1: “To the room!”
Player 2: “Shame you don’t have a jet pack.”
Player 3: “Is it a bird? Is it a plane?”
Player 2: “No! It’s an Assault Maaaaaaaargh!!”
“They speak in a series of beeps and whistles.”
“Sooooo basically R2-D2.”
“Whether there’s a riot or not, there’s a riot police.”
PC: “We’re here to pay our respects.”
NPC: “He’s not dead?”
“I like this one. She has fire in her breast.”
“She has breasts.”
“Imagine how Arnold Rimmer would do in 40k.”
“Actually, he’ll probably rise in the ranks quite quickly …”
GM: “…And he’s blind in one eye.”
Player 1: “Go on, do your line.”
Gyos: “The Emperor protects!” (salutes)
NPC: “The Emperor forgives.”
Player 2: “Actually, he doesn’t do much of that either.”
“Or a more recent comparison: us against Stone.”
“And we still took him down!”
“So it’s like a badly played Resident Evil game: ‘I’m in the corner again, but I really AM covering you, honest’!”
[Viturus or Calcion]: “How much power does the judge have on this planet?”
Drem’Tu: “Difficult to judge.”
GM: “Go on, Fate point. It’s the only one you’re gonna get in this game for comedy and you only get it because you did it by accident.”
GM: “I love coming up with things the Emperor does. The Emperor plays banjo on a Tuesday!”
Finn: “The Emperor, er … er …”
Player: “Drinks whiskey from a boot!”
“The Emperor abides.”
“He pretty much does, actually.”
GM: “He was a bit paranoid … suspecting everyone of being traitors.”
Player: “That’s not paranoia.”
Player: “The Emperor watches … Even in the shower.”
GM: “She’s not put off by this.”
Player: “ESPECIALLY in the shower. The Emperor pervs.”
“We’re Astartes – we don’t ask.”
GM: “The pilot is now being played by Simon Pegg, for some reason.”
“An Astartes undressing a pilot with his eyes … sounds wrong.”
Drem’Tu: “I’m sitting back in the co-pilot seat, interfacing with the craft.”
Player: “This is the part where we die horribly, right?”
“Who wants the last cookie?”
“I am not worthy of such an honour. The last cookie is the Emperor’s. The Emperor noms.”
“If my character ever gets turned into a Dreadnought, I’m gonna have to say, ‘does my bum look big in this?’ ”
Okay, it's not very long, but it's a new setting and it needs some getting used to. What's going on with the big dreadnought? Are we all going to die ... having just played one session? Find out next week!
